You may be drowning saying: What next? What now?

There is a lot that is known, and it is scary. There is also a lot of unknown, and that is terrifying in its own right.

AND there is unlimited access online to every person’s fear and emotions and opinions that can keep you stirred up every moment of every day.

I want to share with you part of how I’ve processed this (so far) for myself, in the hope that it helps you put one foot in front of the other — to step into today, stride into tomorrow and carry yourself firmly into the fight for our future.

I asked myself what is next?

My answer: grieve. breathe. fight.

Grieve. Give yourself time to feel all the feels. Be sad, angry, disappointed, numb, horrified, tired, paralyzed, afraid.

Breathe. Nurture yourself — mind, body and spirit. You can’t serve from an empty cup.

Then, Fight. Allow the fear and the anger to fuel you. That fear and anger point to what you are most passionate about. Identify those things, then fight for those causes, those people.

Here are the pillars I plan to carry forward, to ground me and direct my actions when I get overwhelmed by how much there is to be done:

We must learn.

Do not let not knowing everything stop you from doing something.

We must learn from those who came before us, how they protected one another and what efforts worked for their causes. Let history be our teacher, our guide. Read, listen, ask questions, be curious.

We must fight.

I saw someone advise that you find a political home. Find a group where you can root yourself and give your effort.

You, as a resource, is not infinite. Focusing your efforts, and doing so within a community, allows you to have a sustainable contribution that feels good and works best.

We must create.

Culture travels through art. Change happens through art.

Comedy and poetry and music and theatre and protest. These are the modes of rebellion, expression, connection. They are powerful, so use them.

Also, creating is a spiritual act. It keeps your soul from withering, and (now and always) you must keep your spirit alive.

And before you tell me you aren’t an artist… creativity isn’t just putting paint on a canvas!

Sex is creative (this not meant in the literal reproductive sense, although I suppose that also applies). Noticing the world around you on an unplugged walk is creative. It is throwing spices selected by scent into a warm meal.

Creativity is not a particular act, but an energy of intimacy. And that intimacy keeps you grounded in your humanity and connected to the beauty of living.

We must love. We must laugh. We must live.

The fight is null if no joy is left in the life we are fighting for. So dance. Celebrate. Be among people who give you life.

There is no greater rebellion than joy.

I wrote the following several weeks ago as I contemplated my despair over the climate crisis. But when I looked back on it today as I reflected on the election, I realized it applies just as much to the dilemma we face now:

I have two options.

Allow the fear and despair to swallow me, and bury my head in the sand.

Or choose to love and serve to my fullest extent now, knowing I can’t control every outcome, but I can control how I love and serve my community.

Time may be short, and life may be different, but love will remain the same.

Everything else may change. Everything else may be lost. But it’s up to me — up to us — if love persists.

I’m still learning what it means to fight, and it’s okay if you are too.

The most important thing to remember right now? Community. Know your neighbor, love your neighbor, serve your neighbor.

Also, there is no shame in knowing that it might not be the best time to be constantly online. It’s okay to unplug from social media; it doesn’t mean you don’t care or aren’t helping in other ways.

In fact, getting offline might give you the space, clarity and emotional regulation to actually be able to take action instead of being stuck in a doom scroll loop.

Sending you love, and be sure to give yourself and those around you some love too <3

I want to start by making it abundantly clear I’m no expert. I have no background in gender studies or philosophy or psychology. I’m just a regular person pondering big questions about life and our relationship to self and others. 

This post is meant to engage those curiosities and open a conversation. I have no plans to leave you with answers but rather to create space for wonderment and not knowing. 

I hope to encourage you to question the structures we blindly accept - to be the fish that sees the water. And I desire to share the burden of questioning the unknown with a community.

The idea of gender roles and expectations has always fascinated and infuriated me, even before I had the language to describe it as such. As a newly out queer woman, I find the conversation around masculinity and femininity tends to show up in a lot of the content I consume.

I want to start by sharing with you some of the things I recently came across that sparked me to write this post:

• The concept of the divine feminine has surged on social media. At times it seems suspiciously like repackaged patriarchy. Is it?

• I heard masculinity defined as playfulness and femininity identified with leadership – this perspective was explained in contrast to our Western understanding of gender, which is one that reinforces a capitalist and patriarchal system by identifying masculinity with verbs (active) and femininity with nouns (passive). (Source: Made It Out, Gender Studies with E.R. Fightmaster) 

• Is creativity inherently feminine? Does it make sense that certain traits can be aligned with one gender category or another? (sparked by a conversation in The Unpublished Podcast: Preparing for Success, Picking Yourself First, and Why We Need Your Art)

• Is it even helpful to reinforce this binary understanding of gender expression? If we say gender isn’t binary, then why do we use this binary of masculinity and femininity to explain and label gender expression?

Understanding Terminology

Gender: a social construct that refers to the characteristics, behaviors, and identities of people, and how they relate to each other

• Fun fact: Not every language has a word for gender! Some languages are genderless, meaning there are no grammatical genders at all, and others are based on animacy, which means distinctions are made only between animate and inanimate objects.

Sex: the different biological and physiological characteristics of males and females, such as reproductive organs, chromosomes, hormones, etc.

• FYI: Intersex people exist! These are individuals born with (or who develop naturally in puberty) biological sex characteristics that are not typically male or female. These variances include differences in genitalia, chromosomes, hormone production and more! 

• Being intersex doesn’t necessarily constitute a “third category” of sex, nor does it automatically make that person transgender, although some intersex folks may identify that way. Some countries recognize third-sex classifications, but this is controversial, and there is yet to be a general consensus. 

• Intersex people encompass a broad range of sex characteristics, and their intersexuality does not predetermine their gender identity. Visit the Human Rights Campaign website to develop a better understanding of the intersex community and the challenges they face.

Gender identity: the way people perceive themselves to be woman, man, a combination of both parts or neither

Gender roles: societally shared expectations of a person’s behavior given their gender

• When I saw this definition, my first thought was - shouldn’t it be “behavior given their sex?” 

Gender stereotypes: beliefs about the psychological traits and characteristics of, as well as the activities appropriate to, men or women; defined by beliefs and attitudes about masculinity and femininity

• These stereotypes are STRONG. They affect the conceptualizations of women and men and establish social categories for gender.

• Essentially, they are sweeping judgments or conclusions about the behaviors of each sex that overlook individual variation and lead to the belief that particular behaviors are associated with one sex/gender and not the other.

Patriarchy: Derived from the Greek word patriarkhēs, patriarchy literally means "the rule of the father.” It is used to refer to a social system where men control a disproportionately large share of social, economic, political and religious power; inheritance usually passes down the male line

• TLDR: a society in which values and norms are shaped by men and give them a privileged position

Our Modern Understanding of Gender

To understand where we got this concept of femininity and masculinity as the two ends of the gender expression spectrum, we must first know how we came to view gender as it’s modernly understood.

First, it’s important to acknowledge linguistics and the philosophy of language. This is to say that language - its words and the meaning associated with those words - changes over time, and that the language we use determines the lens through which we experience and understand the world. 

The concept of gender is not immune to this.

“…in Norman French, which was where English got the word [gender] from, gendre was already being used to mean ‘the quality of being male or female’ by the second half of the 12th century. The first record in the OED of the English form ‘gender’ being used with the ‘male or female’ meaning is dated 1474—a reference to ‘his heirs of the masculine gender’. In short: the ‘male or female’ meaning of ‘gender’ goes back a long way.” Language — A feminist guide

It was in 1945 that we got the first expression of gender as distinct from sex, in a journal article explaining it as a “state of being male or female as expressed by social or cultural distinctions, rather than biological ones.”

But this wasn’t one sweeping document that decided gender for all of the world. As with any cultural concept, there were many moving parts, many participants and many contributing factors.

One theorist, Connell, argued that gender has been constructed as part of each society throughout history, a view that is consistent with the belief that gender is something that people do rather than part of what people are.

This is to say that gender has not meant the same thing to all people throughout all time — and it still doesn’t.

Even now, understandings of gender vary across cultures. We won’t dive into this now, but trust… there is a lot to unpack in those cultural differences!

The Origin of These Diametric Energies - Feminine and Masculine

The understanding of gender (and thus gender expression) as this binary of masculine and feminine is often supported by the argument that “like Yin and Yang, light and dark, moon and sun, masculine and feminine is a binary that exists in nature, and therefore within us.”

And for as long as people have had their own understandings of gender, even perhaps before they had the word for it, they found ways to express and explain people’s gender expression.

For example, the idea of divine femininity has roots in ancient cultures and belief systems, including Paganism. This is witnessed primarily in the worship of goddesses and deities, matriarchal societies, and a view of the divine feminine as a spiritual energy, commonly associated with fertility, creativity and intuition. 

However, despite the research that has been done on gender and sexuality, the idea of masculine/feminine is not one that can be proven (or disproven) by science.

It is a philosophical problem.

Our understanding of, definitions, and categorization of feminine vs masculine is based solely on bias, inferences, and subjective storytelling informed by our taught belief systems, experiences, stereotypes, and understanding of the world.

The binary of human energies as masculine and feminine are culturally taught – they are not some scientifically objective things. 

Our Modern (and Western) Understanding of Masculine and Feminine

This is where the episode I heard on Made It Out, a podcast by queer women discussing a variety of sexuality-related topics, comes in.

(Regardless of your gender identity or whether or not you identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community, it is an incredibly philosophically and culturally insightful episode about gender norms I highly encourage you to listen to.)

Even if you are a cisgender, heterosexual person, our societal understanding of and engagement with gender affects you — the way you are treated, the way you are expected to engage with the world, et cetera. You, too, have a gender identity that influences how you move through the world and how the world perceives you.

In this episode, E.R. Fightmaster (they/them) — who, unlike me, does have a background in gender studies — breaks down our Western understanding of gender. 

They say masculinity in America is seen as dominating, one where walking into a room and being the most formidable is what equates to the most masculine. By contrast, the feminine is seen as weak and associated with the caretaking of others. 

They argue that this understanding of gender in America reinforces a capitalist system. One which wants women to stay home, so it suggests that to be in their truest form of femininity, women must be weak and resiliently provide forever.

In summation, Western culture defines each as follows:

Masculinity is active. It is about doing, often associated with verbs.

• I am constantly becoming.

• I am free. I can lead the home.

• Intellectual

• Dominating; Alpha

• Logic and reason

Femininity is passive. It is about being, often associated with nouns.

• Creativity

• Intuition and feeling

• Mother

• Wife

• Caretaker

If you will indulge me in sharing my personal experience, this is why I hate the “I can turn off my mind with my man” trend on TikTok, wherein women are saying they want a man who protects and provides such that they don’t have to take care of things or be aware of the world around them.

This was a HUGE hurdle for me to get over when I started dating women.

I bought into this Western narrative about gender roles, which convinced me I would be exhausted all the time and never have my needs met in a woman-loving-woman or otherwise queer relationship. My understanding of relational dynamics and roles was so limited. Truthfully, I’m still working on unpacking what I’ve been taught and rewriting the boundaries of what I actually want and what truly feels good to me.

As mentioned before, it is important to note that these delineations of masculine and feminine are NOT the case across all cultures.

For example, Drew Afualo, a popular TikToker, podcast host and author, talks a lot about her Samoan culture, in which masculinity and masculine roles are defined very differently from Western culture. This goes to show that gender is truly a flexible concept that can mean different things to different people in different cultures at different times.

During the Made It Out episode, E.R. Fightmaster presented an idea of masculinity and femininity that I loved. One that makes me see the value of these labels, if we must still view gender expression and energies in this binary sense.

They said they see femininity and womanhood as a power center. That the best leadership comes from people in their femininity, when they are directive, compassionate and collaborative in working toward a common goal.

Masculinity, they said, is when they are experiencing the most fun. The masculine is playful and suave. The masculine views it as an honor and pleasure to protect the feminine.

Binary, Tripartite or Entirely Unconfinable?

Given that we are saying gender isn’t binary and is, in fact, socially constructed, isn’t it counterintuitive to use this diametric sliding scale of masculine/feminine?

Even with “gender as a social construct” as a more established, popular school of thought, there is still a widespread understanding, it seems, of gender identity as a binary plus a third thing (gender nonconformity). 

It seems it has evolved from a binary to a tripartite, meaning there are now three identified categories: an understanding of self as male or man, female or woman, and those who don’t fit within that binary (genderqueer, nonbinary, gender nonconforming, etc.). 

In my understanding, our current dualistic definition suggests that gender expression exists on a sliding scale from masculine to feminine. But then where would androgyny fall? Would it be in the middle or does that sliding scale not account for androgyny? 

It seems to me that operating with this binary perspective still isn’t truly deconstructing our view of gender identity and expression as strictly male versus female.

I understand how this may not seem like a helpful school of thought, because it is difficult for us to imagine a world without any conceptualizations of gender. But it must be asked: 

“If gender comes from the culture, how can it also be an inherent property of the individual person?” - Michael Mascolo Ph.D.

This lead me to wonder: can gender identity be self-chosen, even while defining gender as a product of socialization? Is having an understanding and identity of gender even helpful, or are we trying to force ourselves to work within an antiquated and nonsensical system?

If gender is a construct, it follows that it can be whatever you make it. If it can be whatever you make it, then really it is infinite, which also means that it is nothing. It has no beginning, no end, and no resolute center point. So perhaps, trying to construct any meaning of gender at all isn’t even helpful.

At this point, I fear I have gone so far down the rabbit hole and circled around the topic too many times that I have ended up in philosophical no man’s land – the place where everything is ambiguous and nothing has meaning.

How Can We Work with What We Have

Let’s bring it down from the ether. Within the current structures, operations and understanding of our world, the delineation of sex and gender makes sense.

Viewing gender as a social construct, something that is fluid, which can be created and identified by an individual however they please, is probably the most logical way to allow for individual variation and expression outside of patriarchal systems, without entirely discarding the ways we have become accustomed to engaging with the world and interacting with one another. 

And if that’s the case, perhaps this critique isn’t worthwhile at all, because in the end, we’re coming right back to where we started.

But the critique has been had. Now we get to decide what we want to do with it.

In so far as we are stuck with our understanding of gender expression as a scale from masculine to feminine, with the nonbinary element of nonconformity, then let’s find a way to view these terms in their healthiest state and ditch their toxic manifestations.

This is where I found the E.R. Fightmaster’s explanations of masculinity and femininity helpful, as it seemed like a community and compassion-oriented perspective that sees both as fully developed and not in hierarchy to one another.

Personally, I’m discovering that I might dislike looking at our energies and presentations through the lens of feminine or masculine. Because inherently, it still upholds the belief that gender is a binary and assigns certain traits to certain genders, when really this is not an observable or universal law.

The joy of exploring these social concepts is that you get to choose what works for you and leave behind what doesn’t. I encourage you to spend time exploring what gender has looked like in different times and across cultures other than your own. Be open to learning something from our past and our peers, and see what resonates with you. And talk about these ideas with other people!

Gender, and gender expression, has always been an evolving concept - and it will continue to be. You get to be part of that ever-developing definition, so explore and experiment to your heart’s content and help write a new history!

“The future is fluid. Each act, each decision, and each development creates new possibilities and eliminates others. The future is ours to direct.” - Jacque Fresco

When you hit young adulthood, the world that was constructed around you crumbles.

Up to that point in your life, systems were built around you to provide the structure, proximity, and frequency required to supply friends, curate interests, make decisions and fill your schedule. 

You knew the path of your life and what was expected (nay, required) of you. The first potential deviation of that may have been if you considered it an option to choose a direction after high school other than college.

The day you turn that tassel, you're thrown into a world far more diverse and undefined. One that requires you to create the aforementioned structure, proximity, frequency and commonality for yourself.

It is now up to you to create your life. And you have to do it alone. 

But no one ever taught you how in the heck to do that. And when your whole life has never required you to brave the world alone and determine your own path, it’s only fair if you’re a bit terrified and have no idea where to start.

It can seem like a daunting responsibility, but it is actually such a blessing. 

I am all aboard the doing-things-alone-express and a seasoned veteran of the game. I’ve been taking myself out to lunch since the day I got my driver’s license, and I’ve been single my whole life.

And I can attest: there is SO much value, so much joy and so much discovery in learning to take yourself out into the world. And I want to encourage you to do the same and support you in that process.

Benefits of doing things alone

Not convinced it's worth it? Let me explain why you too should hop aboard the doing-things-alone-express.

Venturing the world alone helps you better understand yourself.

You have the freedom to explore whatever is calling to you, and you can do so unbeholden to the needs or interests of anyone else. 

This unabashed trial-and-error allows you to develop a strong sense of self and independent identity, which sets you up for healthier relationships with others.

The only person that will be with you your whole life is YOU - it’s your most important relationship. So nourish it.

It’s like the ice bath of social interaction, training your nervous system for social success!

You will be forced to learn how to sit with yourself – to be alone with your thoughts and to be alone in public. This builds a tolerance for stillness, feeling your feelings, understanding what's going on in your mind and body, and how to endure and manage perceived embarrassment and awkwardness.

You get to practice carrying yourself with confidence, starting and maintaining conversations with strangers and holding yourself steady even when it feels awkward.

You develop greater self-confidence and self-trust.

There will be times you get in tricky situations or run into a roadblock and you have to figure things out by yourself. You learn that you can handle whatever comes your way, and you will feel proud!

You also get to make commitments to yourself and feel the blossoming sense of trust that comes from following through on those commitments.

It’s fun!

I have a laundry list of what I like to call “serendipitous interactions,” those purely human moments where we witness one another and connect over our shared reality. And never have these moments found me more than when I am alone.

Stepping into spaces alone draws people to you and creates a robust landscape for exploration and happenstance. You never know where the wind will take you when you step into the world and allow opportunity to find you.

Being alone sparks creativity.

Time by yourself provides the space to let your mind wander. We live in an information-dense world, and our minds are drowning in stimulation and cognitive overload. Unless you are intentional about it, there are very few times when you are naturally left with just you and your thoughts.

Choosing to sit with yourself allows you to interact with your inner world and witness what your mind is drawn to.

You get to practice regulating your emotions.

Doing things alone isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s a flop. It can be especially difficult if it’s something you haven’t practiced, you aren’t used to being alone with your thoughts, or if you have negative perceptions of people who do things by themselves.

However, even if being alone doesn’t improve your mood, it will help you learn to regulate your emotions. You learn to sit through the feelings of discomfort, distress, or loneliness that might arise. And this is a powerful skill that translates to all areas of your life!

Going alone is the first step to building community.

To meet people and make friends, you have to show up alone first. This is foundational to making friends, another topic that we will explore soon on this blog!

Overcoming your roadblocks

“But Kelsi,” you might say, “that’s terrifying. Do you even know what people are going to think about me when I show up to these places by myself? What do I even do when I’m there? I’m scared it’s going to be awkward.”

Perhaps you are inclined to feeling socially anxious. Maybe you lack confidence in trying new things. Or maybe the pros of trying things alone just doesn’t seem to outweigh the cons of everything you fear.

Let’s do a thought exercise.

I want you to imagine the absolute worst possible case scenario if you do something by yourself.

And let’s be so for real, unless you’re out here concocting some scenario where you die or your loved ones die or you get physically injured, the worst case scenario is that you feel some uncomfy feelings.

If you’re honest with yourself, it’s most likely not those worst-case scenarios that you’re afraid of - because death or accident or disaster can happen whether you’re alone or not.

The differentiating factor of aloneness is that there is no one else to buffer your fear of rejection and perceived embarrassment or awkwardness. 

Each of those things - rejection, embarrassment and awkwardness - have one thing in common: you get to choose the power they have over you.

There’s a reason I keep saying perceived embarrassment. Embarrassment is a choice. No one can make you feel embarrassed if you decide that embarrassment isn’t a response for you.

While a variety of things can happen, you get to choose what kind of meaning you ascribe to them. Did you trip over a floorboard while talking to the bartender? Did you stumble over your words while ordering a drink? (I’ve done both of these.)

Okay. And?

It really just doesn’t matter if you don’t allow it to matter. Those are normal things that happen as part of the human experience. And you’re human. You’re not a robot. And I promise more people find you endearing than you realize.

Also, what’s going on in anyone else’s head frankly isn’t any of your business.

And personally, I’m more afraid of what I will miss out on if I live a life lead by fearful “what ifs.” I want to take every opportunity, so that I can get to the end of my life and know I LIVED.

A reality check

Doing things alone is often necessitated by this post-college phase of life where everyone that you’ve known starts spreading across the earth. There will inevitably be a period of time where you must learn to navigate loneliness and letdown as you bridge the gap between your past and present, your old life and your new one. 

But don’t fear! Nothing lasts forever, and learning to do things alone is the KEY to bridging that gap.

Now, I don’t want to present falsehoods. It’s entirely possible you find this incredibly challenging. It may feel uncomfortable, and not every outing will be a success. If you aren’t used to being alone, it may at first leave you feeling detached.

But please, don’t give up! Doing things alone is a practiced skill that I promise is worth the effort.

I’m a firm believer the possibility and beauty and potential outcomes of doing things alone far outweigh whatever fears of psychological detriment you may possess.

And the great thing about fear is that it isn’t a physical barrier. Afraid to do things alone?

Do it afraid.

Wondering what kind of activities you can do alone? Want some ideas on ways to make solo activities more enjoyable? Curious to watch me joyfully bumble along through this process as I move to DC and start a life there? Follow along @letstalk.theblog on Instagram.

I’ve been sober for the past six months. And I took my first drink again last weekend.

Here’s the SparkNotes of that story —

I’ve always wanted to be a martini girl. Women in the movies (and in real life) who order martinis always seem so classy, sexy and a bit unattainable. They have that girl-boss, miss-independent energy about them, like they have secrets and know something about life that no one else does. And I wanted to be that girl.

So during a girls’ trip weekend, I gave it a shot. 

I boldly ordered my dirty martini, eager to lift the glass to my lips and peer at the world over its brim as I sipped, sending waves of mystery and allure to all the patrons in the restaurant.

But alas, I discovered I am NOT a martini girl.

My face twisted with the scent and crumbled with the taste. And my friend jokingly forced me to keep drinking it because, well, I had paid for it.

After being worn down by the violence of a martini and its poison-soaked olive, we went to another bar where the vodka in my vodka soda with lime was criminally loud. Its scent and taste assaulted me, and in that moment I just decided I was sick of it.

And for the six months that followed, I committed fully to not drinking at all. I’d been toying with sobriety for several years at this point, but this was the first time I truly made no exceptions.

My choice to explore sobriety was largely inspired by my personal health journey, but my reasoning expanded as I discovered other benefits, from better quality sleep to emotional regulation and saving money.

Like many people, I went through a phase of heavy and frequent drinking in college. I never stopped to question my relationship with alcohol or assess if I actually wanted to be doing what I was doing. I just did what I believed had always been done, and what I had seen modeled around me.

It was a short-lived stint, and I slowly began wading into the waters of sobriety. I would use water during drinking games, and I opted out of drinking altogether unless it was to get plastered for an outing I deemed was “worth the alcohol.” Aka - go big or go sober. 

Once I moved past the social expectations and pressures, it became something that was easy for me to say no to. I had never preferred the taste, casual drinks felt performative, and heavy drinking on nights out no longer felt life-giving or enjoyable for me. In fact, I found I had an overwhelmingly better time when I didn’t drink on a night out.

During the past six months, I never made a lifelong vow to sobriety. I always told myself if I wanted to drink again, I could and I would. For me, not drinking was about listening to my desires and continuing to choose what felt best and most aligned with me in each moment.

This is also why I chose to drink again last weekend.

And although I was quickly reminded of the reasons I generally choose not to drink, I do not at all regret my choice to do so. It’s liberating to exercise your power of choice by having the flexibility to elect what you do and don’t want to do and allowing that to evolve with you over time. Rigidity not required.

Choosing to explore sobriety in an alcohol-centric society isn’t always easy. There is often a fear that being sober means you won’t have fun, or you’ll no longer be social. It can come with the questioning, judgment, and peer pressure of others. But I quickly learned that sober doesn’t mean boring.

My hope is that if you have a desire to change your relationship to alcohol but worry it won’t be fun, or that people will judge you, or that it destines you to a life as a dull social pariah, that sharing my experience can give you the courage and wherewithal to explore new options and define for yourself, outside of fear and the habits of society, what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like for you.

You can expect from this post an honest conversation about why you should consider investigating your relationship with alcohol, how to still have fun while sober, deciding if labels of sobriety resonate with you and a few helpful tips to take with you along your journey.

I want to quickly note that I do not have a history of substance abuse or addiction. This article is about my experience redefining my relationship with alcohol in a non-addictive context. If you are struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please explore the resources and treatment available to get support.

Rethinking Your Relationship with Alcohol

Your relationship with alcohol is as unique and individual as you are. Every person chooses if, how, and how much they want to drink, if and how they want to conduct themselves in settings with alcohol, and whether or not they want to use a label to explain these choices (i.e. sober, sober-curious, alcoholic, etc.).

I have found a comfortable, somewhat label-less gray area for my relationship with alcohol.

I often tell people that I don’t drink. I opt for nonalcoholic options when in casual drinking settings, and if I’m going out with friends, I go sober. But, I also know that if I have the desire to have a casual cocktail or want an evening with a bottle of wine or want to throw back shots with my friends, I have the power and freedom to do that. And I will do so without judgment of myself. 

However, I know my body and I know what best serves me. And generally, that means not drinking.

But there are so many plus sides to choosing not to drink, beyond just better physical health. 

Here are a few:

• You can be the designated driver and take care of your friends. Keep them safe and help everyone - yourself included - save money on Ubers!

• You never wake up with a hangover. Alcohol doesn’t steal your next day. We’ve all had those times where we’ve gone out and the entire next day is shot because we can’t get out of bed except for a bagel and coffee, and even then sometimes not that. Personally, even after just one drink, I find it significantly harder to focus or do any brain work the following day - everything just feels foggy.

• You sleep better. Did you know even just one drink reduces the quality of your sleep? Alcohol reduces the amount of time spent in REM sleep, which is crucial for memory, true rest and restoring brain function. It can also disrupt your circadian rhythm and lead to more frequent waking. And we all know sleep is one of THE most foundational elements to your physical and mental health.

  

• For those of us who struggle with hangxiety, not drinking allows you to make more cognitive social decisions and avoid some of those more ~questionable~ behaviors.

• Save money! Drinks are expensive. Not buying alcohol = not spending money. This means more funds for other fun activities!

• Genuine interactions. You know the feeling where connecting with people drunk just doesn’t feel as authentic and you wake up the next day with an icky emotional hangover feeling? Interacting with people sober allows you to better assess which interactions feel real and to invest your time in connection-building with people who feel safe and sincere.

• Safety! Especially as a woman, sobriety allows you to stay alert and look out for yourself and your friends and to better handle yourself should an unsafe situation arise.

• There is a community that comes with alcohol. Alcohol is often centric to so many social settings, and it can be worrisome that if you go sober you will be excluded. Let me assure you that you still have access to that community if you aren’t drinking. As long as you’re having fun and engaging, the majority of people really don’t care what you’re doing. And if they truly are put off and you lose access to that community, those weren’t authentic connections in the first place — good riddance, and now you get to explore new, life-giving relationships!

• The health benefits of not drinking are nearly limitless. Better skin, a healthier liver, lower blood sugar, more robust gut health and better brain health. 

Sober Isn’t a Death Sentence

In the last several years, we’ve seen health and wellness trends become increasingly mainstream, with a heavy focus on the “clean girl aesthetic” and “healing eras” and “protecting my energy.” 

The reduction or elimination of alcohol has often been included in this prioritization of personal health and wellness, which in and of itself is not a bad thing! 

However, this brand of sobriety is usually equated with death to all things fun.

It means straight-laced behavior and nights in going to bed at 9 p.m. and the gym the next day at 5 a.m. I’m here to say that doesn’t have to be the case (although it certainly can be if that is ultimately what brings you joy).

Let’s just get this out of the way – sober does not mean boring.

Although now I opt not to drink, I still go out. I love to dance and socialize with my friends and get a little rowdy and have silly interactions with strangers and be surrounded by the energy of people having a good time under the cover of a dark sky and starlight. 

I still hang out with my friends who drink and never judge anyone who chooses to consume alcohol. Judgment doesn’t even cross my mind. They’re making a choice, and I’m making a choice. The choices just happen to be different. 

Being sober doesn’t mean not being funky. 

People often cite “the lowering of their inhibitions” as a reason why they drink; it allows them to have fun and interact with people in ways they feel they can’t do sober. 

I’m here to tell you that you have access to that part of you, even when you’re sober. It’s about allowing yourself permission to let down your walls and access those chatty, dancing, flirting, friendly, bold parts of you. The version of you that you love drunk exists in you even when you’re sober. 

Often when I’m hanging around friends who are drinking, I find myself acting giddy, goofy, and off the cuff in a way that I don’t when in an entirely sober environment.

Studies have found that “being around drunk people can make you feel drunk too, even if you're not. Basically, that means you never have to worry about having less fun at a party because you're sober. But, it also means that if you do decide to drink, your friends could make you feel even drunker.”

This is all to say, you can feel drunk without being drunk, and act intoxicated without being three sheets to the wind, and have fun without being inebriated. Ultimately, your mindset is responsible for cultivating your experience — and you get to choose what that experience is.

A Quick Word on Labels

I once took a human sexuality class where the professor proposed the following theoretical question for debate: would you prefer a world where there are an infinite number of labels, such that everything and all states of being have an associated label to define them? Or would you rather have a world where there are no labels at all to categorize or explain our experiences?

While you may have a strong personal opinion, you’d be surprised to find the class was fairly evenly divided into two camps: labels galore and labeless-no-mans-land. 

In the world of sobriety, there is the option to shower yourself with labels, ranging from alcoholic to addict in recovery to sober to sober-curious and everything in between.

The joy of humanity is that you have the freedom of choice. Just because you don’t drink all the time, or just because you do, does not mean you have to slap a label on your choices and then allow that label to direct your behavior forever.

Personally, although I opt not to drink, I don’t tell people “I’m sober.” Mostly because I hold my choice not to drink exactly as that – it’s an active and recurring choice, not a lifelong commitment. In every moment, I get to weigh my options, assess consequences (positive and negative), know myself and my wants and needs, and then make a choice that either aligns or doesn’t align with those analyses. 

You get to choose what makes you comfortable. 

You can just say you don’t really drink or say you’re not drinking that night or, like me, can choose not to drink for six months and then have shots on a night out with friends and then get an NA cocktail at dinner the next day. 

There are no set-in-stone rules or expectations. You get to make recurring and ever-changing choices. You make the rules. That also means that saying you are sober and committing to a life without alcohol is an acceptable and life-giving choice as well. 

The whole point is that you get to set the boundaries of what works for you, and those boundaries can evolve as you do.

Insider Tips for Being the Sober One

My go-to drink requests

So, you’re at a bar or a social event. You don’t want to drink, but you want some kind of bevy, and it’s nice to have something to hold.

It’s not embarrassing to ask for something nonalcoholic or to bring your own drinks. Remember, you have just as much a right to be in those spaces as anyone else.

Here are a few of my go-to drink orders when looking for an alternative to alcohol: 

• Soda water with lime (looks like a vodka or tequila soda)

• Diet Coke (looks like a mixed drink with Coke)

• NA Moscow Mule

• Mocktails with imitation liquors

• NA Seltzers

• I can’t have gluten, but lots of people enjoy the NA Beers

• Good old-fashioned water - stay hydrated. There’s nothing wrong with just not getting a drink. Plus, you’re saving BIG bucks

Two fun sober people to follow online

Encourage and support your choices with like-minded people! Here are two people who have FUN sober that I follow online, whose journeys you might enjoy, as well.

Evan Cudworth, “The Party Coach”

His mission: save our species from social anxiety & over-dependence on tech, booze or substances that threaten our ability to connect.

“Free the party within… & lead an epic, healthy, social life.”

Olly Bowman, “Mr Melk”

An Australian lifestyle content creator in his twenties who is sober and known for his positive vibes and willingness to dance anywhere and everywhere. He’s a goofy guy, and a fun and inspiring follow.

I was listening to a podcast called Sacred Counsel hosted by two, what the evangelical church would call, “lost sheep.” A former pastor turned divorcee, LGBTQ+ ally and non-believer in hell and a pastor’s kid who is also a divorcee and is a late-in-life lesbian. 

If you’re not familiar, most sects of the Christian faith hold the idea of hell at the center of their teachings. Humans are seen as foundationally broken, a brokenness for which they only have themselves to blame. Sinful creatures who, by the grace of God, will only be able to avoid eternal torment in a fiery pit if they accept the salvation of Jesus Christ with total faith and certainty. 

One host, Brian, the former pastor, talked about the fear of questioning your beliefs as a Christian and what is at risk if you do so:

“If you’re wrong, you’re gonna burn forever. If that’s the case, you better goddamn be certain. Anything less than certainty isn’t enough when the stakes are that high.”

This put into words the paralyzing anxiety that has buzzed beneath the surface my whole life, subconsciously directing my thoughts, beliefs and actions.

His co-host, Meghan, proposed a counterargument about certainty that I found liberating. 

Using the example of how scientists develop and view scientific theories, she said, “It’s the best we have right now. And until we have more information to disprove it, it’s what we’re going with.”

“It” being the information or stance you have on something. Her point here is that sometimes the best you can do is go with what you know, even though that often means going without all the answers.

This perspective unlocked something in my brain: I realized I have always viewed the world in binaries. 

In every situation, there was a right and wrong decision, a right and wrong belief. One that led you toward perfection and one that strayed you from the image of God.

When making decisions in a binary, there is a certainty required in order to park yourself firmly on one side of the aisle or the other. This left me unable to ever take action without complete certainty. Which meant a lifetime of denying my body’s wisdom and intuition and taking only calculated steps instead of ever taking a leap (ironically) of faith.

In this context, certainty meant having a solution to the consequences of all potential outcomes and having answers prepared for any potential rebuttal to your choice.

There was also a permanence that came with the certainty instilled by this Christian religious teaching. Being certain meant that the decision was indefinite. Impenetrable and unwavering throughout time and all circumstances. Once you made a decision, you could not go back, evolve, or change your mind.

The Consequences of Needing Certainty

My entire life, I felt the weight of needing to be certain in my faith, lest I be thrown to the furnace of fire with weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Understandably, I grew up TERRIFIED of eternal torment, a sentiment I still struggle with at times. There were nights I would lay awake as a child, unable to fall asleep because the idea of infinity, of eternity - a principle my life and spiritual belief was so strongly built around - was unfathomable.

I was crippled with fear and doubt that my faith was fake and I didn’t realize it, or there were ways I was sinning I was unaware of and thus I was living apart from God without even knowing it. I couldn’t understand how I could be certain that my faith was true enough and sufficient to be let into Heaven and avoid eternal suffering. 

When saturated with this much fear, it’s no wonder that belief structure and worldview bled into other areas of my life.

Every decision I made required extensive analysis to predict, prepare for, and mitigate all potential outcomes. To ensure I was certain that it was right or wrong. And those were the only options — every action was entirely, purely good, or it was sinful and wrong.

As a result, I spent most of my life being painfully indecisive. In everything. I mean - ask my mom. She despised shopping with me because it took me hours. 

I had to walk down every aisle to ensure I saw everything in the store. I then hauled my overflowing cart to the dressing room, where I did mental gymnastics to decide if a piece was “right” or not. 

And this wasn’t light-hearted mom-and-daughter shopping time. In that coffin-sized dressing room, I went to war with my mind, developing complex rationale to avoid guilt or regret for a purchase. And still, every time, I walked away with guilt or regret about things I did or didn’t buy.

Needless to say, it was an exhausting process. And it wasn’t just shopping. 

That need for certainty has tempted me to burn bridges in friendships I love and cherish deeply. It’s plagued me in dating, unable to commit. It’s haunted me as I try to present my identity with confidence. It’s sabotaged me as I’ve challenged traditional beliefs about careers. It creates a sense of doubt as I make decisions about my future and makes it difficult to boldly choose what is next for me - with work, with love, with where I want to live. 

Despite leaving the church and allowing myself to no longer engage in a faith practice, this need for certainty still pecks me with anxiety about the eternal safety of my soul. An anxiety that grows into a crippling paralysis when it's storming outside (If you know, you know. Storms often incite fear about the rapture).

Finding gray in a world of binaries

Now I’m learning to live in the gray.

Life is not - in any way - black and white. And there is no such thing as certainty. 

I now recognize there are no right or wrong choices. There are just two, or more, paths. Each has its own unique set of positive and negative consequences, and no matter which road I take, I’m going to learn a little more about myself.

By creating a safe space for experimentation, I learned that the error that sometimes follows trial will not undo me. There is freedom to choose and try and change my mind, because I don’t have to worry that making the “wrong” decision will walk me straight into the fires of hell. 

I have learned, and am continuing to learn, to just make a decision and go with it. There is so much joy in allowing yourself to walk the road you’re on, reroute your path, and make discoveries along the way, even if sometimes that journey is hurtful or teaches you a hard lesson.

Sometimes I still struggle to speak boldly or to make decisions to step into something new. This is often rooted in the fear that I will be “wrong.” That if I change my mind, people will make me out to be a failure, a fraud, or morally askew.

But all we can do is make decisions based on the information we have RIGHT now. And it is certainly okay to go with something and have it change down the line. 

We need to have space and grace - for ourselves and others - to grow and evolve. We are allowed to learn more about ourselves as we move through time, and that is allowed to change the expression of our lives. 

I’m going to give you two names. Tell me which one you instantly recognize: Harrison Butker. Taylor Swift.

Prior to May 11, I would hazard a guess that the majority of you - unless a rabid football fan - did not recognize the name Harrison Butker but knew the iconic name, Taylor Swift.

Butker, a kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs, delivered a graduation address on May 11 at Benedictine College, a small Catholic school in Atchison, Kansas, during which he dismissively referred to billionaire pop icon Taylor Swift as “his teammate's girlfriend.”

Criticism spread like wildfire on social media and his name gained widespread coverage in the weeks following his speech due to the controversial comments he made about abortion, COVID-19, gender roles and, as you can see in the quote at the top of this article, the LGBTQ+ community.

It’s clear Butker didn’t take even a moment to unpack what lies within that month labeled “Pride.” Because if he had, he would have uncovered a powerful story of suffering, boldness, resilience, grit, community and love - the true story of Pride and its people. Instead, he took the word, overlaid it with his biases, and ran with his judgment. 

So today, in honor of Pride Month and to counter Butker’s harmful rhetoric, we’re doing the work he chose not to do.

We’re understanding what Pride Month celebrates, what its roots are, and why it still remains an important practice of activism.

Because Pride Month is NOT the deadly sins sort of pride. Pride has played, and continues to play, a crucial role in advancing the liberation of queer people around the world.

What exactly does Pride Month celebrate?

The very first Pride March was organized one year after the Stonewall Uprising to commemorate that catalyzing moment for LGBT political activism in America. At the time, however, the concept of “Pride Month” was not yet in the picture as we know it today.

As it stands now, Pride Month commemorates years of struggle for civil rights and the ongoing pursuit of equal justice for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer individuals. 

It’s also a time of celebration. An intentional time for LGBTQ+ folks to honor their past, celebrate their present and feel hope for their future. In a world that has historically -  and presently - denied their rights and demeaned their existence, it is important there be an opportunity to celebrate the inherent goodness of their Self that they are taught is evil and wrong.

The celebration of Pride Month isn’t about companies morphing their logos into a rainbow version or throwing an ostentatious party marked by overconsumption (although, it’s important to note that to boldly and loudly take up space is a radical act, especially when the world has worked to keep LGBT folks invisible and in the margins).

It is for LGBTQ+ folks to remember where they have come from, to celebrate where they are and who they are, and to recognize how far there still is to go – and to do so alongside a loving and encouraging community.

The Inception and Evolution of Pride Month

Pride Month didn’t start as Pride Month. 

Prior to the Stonewall Riots in 1969, activist groups had been holding Annual Reminder Day Pickets that began in 1965. At the time, there were no federal protections for LGBT people.

During these demonstrations, protestors dressed in professional attire outside Independence Hall in Philadelphia, holding signs calling for equal rights for homosexuals. These were the first annual gay rights events to be repeated.

After the Stonewall Uprising, the organizers of the Annual Reminder Day Pickets suggested they shift their focus to make the event an annual demonstration in commemoration of Stonewall.

At the November 1969 E.R.C.H.O Conference, the 13 voting organizations present adopted the following resolution:

"We propose that a demonstration be held annually on the last Saturday in June in New York City to commemorate the 1969 spontaneous demonstrations on Christopher Street and this demonstration be called CHRISTOPHER STREET LIBERATION DAY."

The Stonewall Inn is located on Christopher Street, and was the origin point for the Uprising. (Library of Congress)

And so it was. Christopher Street Liberation Day on June 28, 1970 would later become recognized as the first “Pride Parade.”

So where did the slogan “Gay Pride” come from? How did we get the name Pride Month?

While planning for the Christopher Street Liberation Day march, organizers proposed a variety of slogans. The story goes that “gay power” had been proposed as the slogan for the march. It was argued that the movement had yet to be politically empowered but that its members felt great pride in their sexual identity. Thus, it was decided that the march’s theme would be “gay pride.”

The chant for the first ever Pride Parade - aka Christopher Street Liberation Day - then became: “Say it clear, say it loud. Gay is good, gay is proud.”

While homophile groups continued to organize this celebration every year, it wasn’t federally recognized until 1999 when President Bill Clinton declared June “Gay & Lesbian Pride Month.” Then, in 2009, President Barack Obama declared June LGBT Pride Month to include bisexual and transgender individuals.

It’s important to still celebrate Pride Month

There are currently 516 anti-LGBTQ bills in the United States. While many have been defeated, almost 35% have been introduced, are advancing or have already been passed into law. 

As we’ve established, Pride Month isn’t just about colorful, joyful parties (although that’s certainly an important - and fun - part). It’s a time to reflect on the community’s history and see there still exists a need for further protection and liberation.

Here are a few reasons Pride Month is still an imperative practice.

The history isn’t that historical (aka it didn’t happen that long ago)

Here’s a quick background that proves just how RECENT protections and rights for LGBT folks are in America:

• 1982: The first protections of the rights of LGBTQ people at the state or national level are enacted

• 1990: Congress decided that lesbians and gays could no longer be excluded from immigration based on their sexual orientation

• 1993: President Bill Clinton adopted “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” which, for the first time, allowed gay men and lesbians to serve in the military, with conditions. They would not be asked about their sexual orientation but would be discharged for disclosing it.

  • 1982: The military enacted a policy explicitly banning gay men and lesbians from their ranks;

  • Before 1982: Same-sex relations were criminalized and a cause for discharge;

  • 1940s: Homosexuality was considered a mental illness, disqualifying gay men and lesbians from service

• 1994: Homosexuality is removed entirely from the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual. Prior to this, it was classified as a sociopathic personality disturbance, then a personality disorder before being de-pathologized, where the focus turned instead to a patient’s internal conflict with their sexuality.

  • The de-pathologizing of homosexuality had a profound impact on the evolution of gay rights, including:

  • (1) the repeal of sodomy laws that criminalized homosexuality;

  • (2) the enactment of laws protecting the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people in society and the workplace;

  • (3) the ability of LGBT personnel to serve openly in the military;

  • (4) marriage equality and civil unions in an ever-growing number of countries;

  • (5) the facilitation of gay parents’ adoption rights;

  • (6) the easing of gay spouses’ rights of inheritance;

  • (7) an ever-increasing number of religious denominations that would allow openly gay people to serve as clergy.

• 2003: Same-sex sexual conduct was fully decriminalized in the United States in June with the U.S. Supreme Court’s opinion in Lawrence v. Texas

• 2009: The Hate Crimes Prevention Act was expanded to provide protection for LGBT citizens. Sexual orientation and gender identity were not protected against hate crimes prior to this. However, to this day, not all state laws provide full and sufficient protection.

• 2010: President Barack Obama’s administration repealed “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,” allowing open members of the LGBTQ+ community to serve in the armed forces

• 2015: Gay marriage is legalized in all fifty states. The U.S. Supreme Court struck down all state bans on same-sex marriage and required states to honor out-of-state same-sex marriage licenses

• 2020: Protections against employment discrimination are extended to sexual orientation and gender identity. None were legally guaranteed prior to this

• 2021: Ban on transgender individuals was rescinded, allowing those who don’t identify with their biological gender to enlist and serve in the armed forces

Queer Liberation is a Global Fight

So far, we’ve talked entirely about LGBT history in America. But queerness doesn’t know borders; members of the LGBT community exist all over the world, including in places where homosexuality is illegal.

Out of 195 countries in the world, 64 of them still criminalize LGBT people. 12 of them impose the death penalty.

Learn: Global History of Criminalization

While rights and protections for LGBT people in America have made great strides just in the last decade, the work is not done. LGBTQ+ people exist around the world, and they are not yet safe.

For the folks at home who find themselves in disagreement with the “lifestyle” of LGBTQ+ folks, I want to challenge you with this: even if you disagree with someone, they are still deserving of life, liberty and happiness. They deserve equal opportunity. They deserve safety - physical, emotional and financial. They deserve to be legally protected and seen and treated equally as human as their straight, cisgender counterparts. 

Two things can be true at once: you can hold whatever beliefs you want about the validity of LGBT people, AND you can support their human right to life and safety. These things are not, and should not be, mutually exclusive.

Finding Hope for the Future

Last, but most certainly not least, Pride is about hope. There are still people who wonder if they are better off dead than gay or transgender or nonbinary. There are people who live a life of shame and self-disgust because they do not see or understand how this part of their identity is good or lovable. There are still people who think they cannot possibly have a normal, happy life as a queer person.

Pride reminds people there is a beautiful life waiting for them - just as they are.

Not Deadly Sin, but Living Pride

Pride Month was born from the labors of folks who fought for the rights of LGBT individuals. It isn’t about special attention or “an excessive self-love,'“ and it never has been.

Pride Month, and its history, is about safety and equality. It was - and is - about securing the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. These are inalienable rights of ALL people, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation.

It is about finding joy and celebrating love, despite all obstacles.

Because queer joy is radical. It is proving you have life and love and happiness, exactly as you are, in a world that has - and in many places still does - told you that you shouldn’t exist.

So, Harrison Butker. Next time you want to equate a month that commemorates a fight for justice and a celebration of humanity and joy to a deadly sin that is about caring about nothing or no one but oneself, take a minute to use Google before you put your foot in your mouth.

Turns out he was on a business trip, headed to train some new hires at one of their facilities where they produce hydrogen power. This piqued my interest because hydrogen power, when made using renewable energy sources, can be a clean fuel. And we love a sustainable solution.

I felt like I was earning a certificate in hydrogen fuel on that one-hour plane ride (and yes, I see the hypocritical irony of taking short flights while discussing clean energy and sustainability).

We talked about how a fuel cell operates and the challenges of producing clean hydrogen power, as there is not yet the capacity to produce it on a large scale using only renewable sources. 

A conversation about logistics eventually segued into one about culture and philosophy.

We deliberated about the future of the climate and the role of technological solutions versus cultural solutions in reversing climate change and mitigating its consequences.

We quickly came to an agreement that technological solutions are not enough. People around the world are already experiencing the repercussions of a changing climate, and innovation hindered by red-tape, greed and laissez-faire mindsets cannot keep up.

And so our conversation shifted to people. How do we get people to change?

As we discussed the daunting challenge of solving the climate crisis, he shared a profound quote with me: 

His suggestion was that we lead by example - and let what he called the “open-door phenomenon” do the rest. Just like opening the door for one person can set off a domino effect of inspiring others to do the same, so can one person’s decision to prioritize the importance of climate action and make changes in their own life inspire others to take up the same cross.

This simple yet powerful statement resonated deeply with me. It illuminated a fundamental truth that transcends environmental issues—our collective well-being is intrinsically linked to our ability to prioritize compassion and empathy over dominance and control.

Our conversation revealed that addressing the climate crisis isn't just about innovative technologies or policies; it's about fostering a global culture of care and cooperation.

This stranger's wisdom helped me see that the fight for a sustainable planet is part of a broader journey toward a more harmonious world. It taught me that our actions, motivated by love and respect for all living beings, hold the potential to bring about profound change. This encounter on a plane didn't just alter my approach to climate action; it reshaped my entire outlook on what it means to live a meaningful and impactful life.

While earning my degree in hydrogen fuel on that plane, I learned hydrogen is more condensed in its liquid form, so it’s stored and transported in its liquid state at -423°F. 

When it's time to be used, it's converted to gas, where it expands over 800 times. This means, that in its effective state, it takes up 848 times more space than it does in its liquid state.

You, like the liquid hydrogen, have a magnitude of dormant power and influence sitting within you. If you choose not to be engaged with the world around you, the world is missing out on all the positive, life-changing domino effects you could start.

But if you choose to engage, you, like the hydrogen, will expand and impact people beyond what you could even imagine. To solve the climate crisis, and to bring greater harmony to this world, we need everyone to expand like the hydrogen, leading in love and inspiring others to do the same.

1. “Oh, that’s awesome! What drew you to the city?”

2. “DC? It’s so expensive... And you know you’ll be in a political hellhole, right?”

Surprisingly, my response to both people is about the same.

I usually reply with an answer along these lines:

“I know it’s expensive, but I feel like I’ll be getting my money’s worth with all the city offers. And I know people there are known for being intense, but that’s part of what excites me! I want to be surrounded by people much smarter than me and who are driven to make change. Many cities are associated with a leading industry (i.e. San Francisco is synonymous with tech), but there is still a world in those cities beyond their industries, and the same is true about Washington and politics.”

And there is one thing that, without fail, I always include in my answer: Washington is walkable.

In fact, Washington is tied with Chicago as the fourth most walkable city in the U.S. Its rating is even higher, nearing almost perfect scores, when you look at its most central downtown neighborhoods, such as DuPont Circle.

What is walkability?

Walkability is a multi-dimensional concept, meaning it has different definitions and purposes depending on the context.

As it relates to urban design, walkability is most often understood as the ability of people to safely use walking as their primary mode of transport to access amenities, wherein the built environment naturally encourages that behavior.

WalkScore.com calculates a city’s walkability by rating the ability to safely complete daily errands by foot, the quality of public transportation, and whether an area is good for biking based on bike lanes and trails, hills, road connectivity, and destinations.

Why does walkability matter?

Personally, I’m an antsy gal. I don’t like to sit still for too long. This is so much the case that I quit my corporate job to get behind the bar at a coffee shop because I couldn’t STAND (pun-intended) being chained to a desk all day. Only to STILL be sitting when commuting and doing anything on my personal time, from grocery shopping to going to the gym to meeting friends for dinner.

Walkability isn’t a throwaway term to make cities seem glitzy. And it isn’t just a personal vendetta of mine because of my gripes with desk work and urban sprawl.

Walkability is a practical and beneficial component of healthy and thriving cities with healthy and thriving residents.

Walkable neighborhoods have been proven time and time again to be happier and more connected communities. They are also good for the economy and the health of the city’s residents and produce better outcomes for social equity, social connection, and the environment. 

For more information on the relationship between walkability and health, sustainability and livability, check out this literature review.

Why pick a walkable city in your 20s?

Remember during college when there was a sense of community and ease of living that felt lost after graduation?

I like my odds when I say there’s a good chance that feeling was facilitated by walkability more than you may realize.

Most campuses create an oasis by providing all your needs within a 20-minute radius, with many larger campuses providing access to bikes, scooters or public transportation to help you travel further distances as needed. Within a reasonable amount of time on foot (30 minutes or less), you could access food, friends, gathering spaces, fitness centers, and “work” (which, at the time, was classes).

After college, many folks have a very difficult time adjusting to adulthood, making friends and feeling part of a community being a primary concern. 

Building community after college can be difficult. It requires intentional, strategic efforts. Rest assured, you can, and will, find people no matter where you are. But there are things you can do to help make this process a bit easier on yourself. And being deliberate about the city you choose is one of those things!

So, let me persuade you to pick a walkable city for your post-grad relocation:

1. Convenience 

Walkable cities provide easy access for errands, like the grocery store and pharmacy, and for amenities, like restaurants and bars.

2. It’s good for your physical and mental health

Fitness is about more than one hour per day spent in a metal cage throwing around heavy objects. Walkable cities integrate natural movement into your daily routine instead of requiring it to be another intentional activity to find time for in your day.  

Getting out and about is great for maintaining mental hygiene. The social connection and access to nature facilitated by walkable and person-first city designs have a positive impact on mental wellness and a mediating effect for anxiety and depression.

3. Leave high transportation costs in the sprawling town you left

Although walkable cities are expensive in other ways, you will likely save money on transportation costs! Go totally car-free, and you can avoid exorbitant parking fees and ditch the costs of a car payment, insurance, maintenance and fuel.

4. SOCIAL INTERACTION

This is one of the biggest motivators to live in a walkable city when starting on your own in your twenties, or, frankly, at any age. 

Walkable cities help foster a sense of place and community identity that is often absent in more sprawling, car-dependent areas. 

I can attest that living alone in a car-dependent city can be very isolating. You get ready for work alone, commute alone, sit at a desk alone all day, sleep alone, and do it all over again. Living in a walkable community helps break up some of this alone time by supplying opportunities for happenstance human interaction, such as having a pleasant conversation with the person next to you on the bus or in line behind you at the coffee shop.

5. Be part of a more sustainable living model

You can sleep a little easier at night knowing you are part of a system with a lesser carbon footprint.

The downsides

Unfortunately, as the saying goes, everything that goes up must come down. And there are some cons to walkable cities. Since walkable cities are highly desirable and have a greater population density, they tend to have higher rent costs, limited housing options, challenges with drivability, and more noise and crowds.

These are certainly things you can compensate for if you make the choice to live in a walkable city. If living there is what you want, you can find a way to make it work in the face of its challenges!

Maybe noise doesn’t bother you, and if it does you can use a white noise machine while you sleep. If the cost of housing is a problem, start with roommates until you are able to progress in the workplace to achieve a higher salary.  

A list of America’s Most Walkable Cities to get you started

79% of Americans report wanting to live in a walkable city, but only 14% of U.S. cities are actually walkable, according to the National Realtors Association. We have a LONG way to go in restructuring our cities with people-first design. But here is a short list of the more walkable cities in America that you might want to consider as your home for your twenties:

1. New York

2. Boston

3. Washington, D.C.

4. Seattle

5. Portland

6. San Francisco

7. Chicago

8. Los Angeles

9. Pittsburgh

10. Philadelphia

11. Minneapolis-St. Paul

12. Miami

13. Charlotte

14. Austin

15. Atlanta

16. Denver

17. Cleveland

18. Houston

19. Columbus

20. Baltimore

But what exactly is self-care?

In its popular culture context, self-care is often correlated with time spent alone doing perfunctory activities to “rejuvenate yourself,” such as taking a bath, ordering takeout, and watching TV.

I’m actually not here to rag on any of those things. They’re all incredibly valid choices in the myriad of ways to practice self-care. But – what if self-care was bigger than that? 

Broadening our definition of self-care

First, let’s take a step back and examine some definitions of self-care.

World Health Organization: The ability of individuals, families and communities to promote their own health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness with or without the support of a health or care worker

Cross-Discipline Definition: The ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being

In the world of mental health: Activities and practices we engage in on a regular basis to reduce stress and enhance our well-being

I know that’s a lot of definitions. While they are similar, they seem to be written with a different end goal in mind: illness prevention, promoting optimal health, and reducing stress, respectively.

Self-care has been a hard term to pin down with one particular definition, as its purpose varies across disciplines, and because it has unique meaning for every individual.

Although terminology can be helpful, this ambiguity actually better serves us than a precise definition. As individuals, we have different circumstances and preferences. This means that what you need to take care of yourself will look different than what your friend or neighbor or coworker needs.

You are allowed to decide what self-care means to you. And you get to build a self-care practice that serves you, as opposed to trying to fit yourself into a predefined box of what you “should” be doing.

So… now what? Where do you even start with building that practice?

Using the 7 Pillars of Self-Care as a guidepost

Did you know there are actually SEVEN pillars of self-care?

1. Mental

2. Emotional

3. Physical

4. Environmental

5. Spiritual

6. Recreational

7. Social

I like to think of these seven pillars like the ingredients for your favorite smoothie. When all seven elements are present, you have the perfect-tasting smoothie. However, sometimes life happens, a banana rots, and we don’t have all those ingredients. Our smoothie will still be a smoothie, but it might taste off.

At times, seven pillars can feel like a lot of ingredients. Don’t ditch this idea yet! You might be thinking: “Kelsi, how can I possibly have a 7-part self-care routine when I don’t even have time to make myself breakfast in the morning?”

Don’t fear — this is meant to be an empowering model. Remember when I said a smoothie is still a smoothie, even if one or two ingredients are missing?

You can feel well and be engaging with a robust self-care practice, even if you aren’t hitting all those pillars at the same time!

The purpose of these seven pillars is to help you understand how a host of things are contributing to your well-being at any time. This enables you to decide which of the pillars are most crucial for YOU, allowing for flexibility to choose what you want to incorporate, and when, where, and how you would like to do so.

Keep this in mind when building your self-care practice

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like every time I turn on my phone someone is telling me about a new, life-changing habit that I HAVE to introduce, or else pain and suffering and illness and death and yadda-yadda and so on. 

I find myself susceptible to the newest trends and am easily overwhelmed by all my options, such that self-care becomes more stress-inducing than refreshing.

As a girl in her twenties who has spent her fair share of time in the trenches figuring out how to take care of herself, there are a few powerful things I’ve learned along the way that have helped me adopt self-care with grace and kindness for myself.

Here are a few tips you might find helpful when deciding what self-care looks like in your life:

1. Remember, this is YOUR practice.

At the end of the day, no one knows you, your life, or your body better than you do. Regardless of what people are preaching (or screeching) online, you get to choose what you do, or don’t do. 

2. This one’s for the ladies — Learn to flow with your cycle.

Have you heard of cycle syncing? For the girlies and folks with female reproductive systems, it’s the practice of adapting your health and lifestyle habits to fit the four phases of your menstrual cycle.

Without getting into its complexities, here’s the overview:

• All humans have hormones. These hormones operate cyclically and influence our sleep, brain function, and biological patterns. 

• All humans have a circadian rhythm. This operates on a 24-hour cycle and is a natural fluctuation of hormones that guides your waking, sleeping, and the behaviors in between.

• Those of us with a female reproductive system have an additional rhythm that operates on an approximately 28-day cycle: this is known as the infradian rhythm.

• What this means is that at different times in that 28-day cycle, the hormones in your body are priming you for different biological activities (like ovulation) that influence your mental focus, energy levels, sex life, and diet needs. 

• At different times of your cycle, your strengths lie in different areas. For example, many women feel a need for extra sleep during their luteal phase and may not want to spend a lot of time socializing. Yay! This is a great time to prioritize sleep and restful activities. However, during ovulation, many women feel more social and energized. This is a perfect time to have important conversations and work on collaborative projects at work. 

This knowledge helps you move through life with grace. The takeaway: Your mind and body have BIOLOGICALLY INFORMED differences at different times - you are not lazy or crazy! You just need to choose activities that align with the needs of your body.

3. Allow space for the habits to change. Choose the thing that will most serve you in that moment.

Every time I scroll through TikTok I feel like I’m told about 5 different “must-have” habits in my morning routine. There are a million things you can do to care for those seven pillars.

The joy of life is that you have freedom of choice! Maybe journaling in the mornings serves you for a few months. And then that isn’t feeling so good anymore, so you decide to sit in silence for 10 minutes on your porch every morning. Or, that could be a game-time decision you make in the morning depending on what you feel drawn to that day.

Just like clothes are meant to fit you, not you to fit the clothes, habits should serve you, you shouldn’t serve them! Feel free to try a self-care practice when an old one is no longer serving you.

4. Pick 1-2 daily nonnegotiables

This is less about the habit and more about the pillar that habit is serving. For example, maybe you know that if you don’t do something for your physical health every day, you find yourself in a negative mental space. So, your nonnegotiable is that every day you move your body in some way, whether it’s a quick 10-minute walk or an intense workout, you know that caring for yourself means that is a pillar that you absolutely cannot miss.

For me, mental health is paramount. It is important to me that I have 10 minutes every day to check in with my mental and emotional state, take a deep breath, and settle into my body. This has changed shape throughout my life. In college, I would journal every morning and every night before bed. Now, sometimes I journal, sometimes I smoke on my balcony in silence without my phone before bed. Sometimes it’s a slow, peaceful morning before heading out into the world. When I’m traveling, it’s taking time to shower and get ready by myself, so I have a minute to collect my thoughts and feel connected to my body and intuition.

Again, your habits can change with time! 

5. When in doubt, follow this structure: Do something every day to nourish your mind, your body, and your soul.

Here are some examples:

• Mind: journal, read a book, give yourself permission to not obsesses or worry over something, organize your thoughts, get something done on your to-do list, take time away from your phone/social media

• Body: quality sleep, nourishing meal, movement, time outdoors

• Soul: spend time with a friend, engage in a creative activity, spiritual practice

Y’all it’s finally time… The moment you have been waiting for. We’re talking SOLUTIONS today.

We’ve spent the last two months learning about social connection during our series on the Epidemic of Loneliness in America. What is social connection? Why don’t we have it? What are the consequences of disconnected individuals and communities and – conversely – what are the benefits of being connected?

We’ve learned a lot along the way.

We’ve learned that connected communities have robust social networks and better access to social support and resources. These communities are safer, have lower mortality rates, are in better health, and have more representative governments. These communities are often characterized by strong social infrastructure, with physical elements, organizations, and policies that facilitate connection.

Being connected means living happier, healthier, and longer!

Now that you’re thoroughly convinced of why community matters (at least I hope you are), it’s time to talk about how we can enhance social connection in our lives and communities.

Note: all information and research mentioned in this post can be found in the Surgeon General’s advisory on the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in America, unless otherwise mentioned.

The Six Pillars to Advance Social Connection

The Surgeon General’s advisory (which is what we’ve been dissecting during this series, in case you didn’t catch that) proposes a strategy to course-correct our loneliness. It has six foundational pillars:

1. Strengthen social infrastructure in local communities

2. Enact pro-connection public policies

3. Mobilize the health sector

4. Reform digital environments

5. Deepen our knowledge

6. Build a culture of connection

In addition to this grand scheme plan, there are also many things we can do as individuals to help bolster connection in our personal lives and cultivate community in the places we live. The advisory provides some suggestions, and we’ll dive into that later.

Pillar 1: Strengthen Social Infrastructure in Local Communities

I know people say parents aren’t supposed to have favorites – but we all know this isn’t true. A parent always has a child they feel more connected to.

I am childless. But in a pretend world where theories on social connection are my baby, solutions regarding social infrastructure are my unbridled favorite. Let me tell you why.

It’s likely you’ve heard some version of the following proverb: “Life is what you make of it.”

This advice tells us that our mindset is everything. That how you engage with the world and the filter through which you experience it, has a determinant effect on the life you live and how you feel about that life. 

While this is so incredibly true, it also cannot be ignored that the environment and opportunities around you have a profound and direct effect on your life.

This can be as simple as the hobbies of folks in a city versus those of folks in rural Ohio, or as complex as your city’s policies on zoning that inhibit urban design that benefits natural human needs and behaviors. 

The main takeaway is this: we need equitable access to built environments designed for social connection – lots of them. We need to invest in community programs that exist within those environments. And institutions with a hierarchical role as a place of gathering (churches, workplaces, etc.) need to hold that responsibility with respect and honor, to create safe, healthy, and human-first environments that meet the needs of the people who exist within them.

Pillar 2: Enact Pro-Connection Public Policies

Wow. If this isn’t the truth of what government was originally designed for: to protect and serve the people. 

This pillar of the proposed strategy suggests a “Connection-in-All-Policies” approach that would require cross-departmental leadership throughout all government sectors (transportation, zoning, labor, etc.). They would “develop and oversee an overarching social connection strategy.”

And you know what is a critical element in this approach? Diversity, equity, inclusion and accessibility.

These terms – known together as DEI – have become a buzzword in recent years. But they are more than a catchy acronym for organizations to check off on their government-required to-do list. They are a necessary ingredient in kind, resilient, and powerful communities. 

And yet they have become disdained and polarized, as many things do in the world of politics, such that several states have enacted or introduced bills to restrict or remove DEI from workplaces, educational institutions, etc. This is a tangent that I find personally aggravating… we can perhaps explore this in-depth another time. 

The main takeaway: National, state, local, and tribal governments have skin in this game. They have a responsibility to serve and protect their constituents. And the policies they do (or don’t) implement impact the ability of their communities to be socially connected. 

Pillar 3: Mobilize the Health Sector

As we’ve learned through this series, social connection isn’t just a social problem. It’s something that impacts mental and physical health on an individual level.

The proposal here is that health care providers be educated on this topic, that we create systems to incentivize health care providers to educate their patients as part of preventive care, and for providers to assess for social disconnection and respond to patients’ health-relevant social needs. 

This is SUCH a powerful response. Far too many of us have stories of going to a doctor and not feeling heard. This is especially true if you are a woman, a person of color, or a member of the LGBTQ+ community. This is also true for men struggling with mental health challenges. Our healthcare systems need to do better for ALL of us. 

Caring for your social health is preventative health care

I have struggled with a variety of health issues for eight years, so the value of preventative and holistic healthcare is something I am deeply passionate about. 

It is responsible healthcare for both providers and patients to be educated on the health implications of social connection and to be provided with resources to develop a healthy social life. 

Because of this series, we all know how much our environments, work lives, and access to resources impacts our abilities to have healthy social lives and to care for our physical health. Thus, circling us back to the need for policy changes in government and workplaces and for social infrastructure that puts people first. 

The main takeaway: Caring for your social health is preventative health care. Providers should be trained, enabled, and incentivized to educate patients, assess symptoms, and provide solutions for patients.

Pillar 4: Reform Digital Environments

You know when it’s storming outside and people say you can figure out how far away the lightning is by counting the seconds between when you see the flash of lighting and when you hear the thunder?

Counting the number of seconds, followed by some quick division, will tell you how many miles away the lightning is.

This works because after the flash, the surrounding air cools and contracts, creating a sound wave (known as thunder). But you see the light before you hear the sound because light travels exponentially faster than sound.

While you see the lightning, you don’t experience it’s full impact until you also hear the thunder. 

This is us right now, except with the ever-evolving world of technology.

Our world is evolving faster than we have time to fully prepare for, experience, or understand. 

We have been given these beautifully complex and capable devices but left without knowledge of its long-term effects nor armed with tools to be an ethical and responsible consumer. We’re making up the rules as we go. 

We cannot argue that the advance of technology has had an astronomical impact, building a better world in many ways. We also cannot argue that its advancement has been severely detrimental to mental health and social relationships.

Time on social media has been proven to increase feelings of isolation. And online interactions, such as Zoom calls, simply do not elicit the same quantity or quality of neurological response as in-person interactions.

The main takeaway: Conversations about ethical, safe, and beneficial design and use of technology need to be had, and these conversations need to lead to actions on the part of both the producer and consumer.

Pillar 5: Deepen our Knowledge

This pillar is highlighting the need for further research. This advisory opened a can of worms by connecting the dots on many individual pieces of which we were already aware. Now, “relevant stakeholders” as the advisory calls them, need to establish a research agenda. This research should lead to further understanding of the causes and consequences of this issue, identification of effective solutions, and plans to create public understanding of social connection and its importance.

The main takeaway: Government, policymakers, practitioners, and researchers need to get on their shit. Knowledge is power, and research is the first step to understanding. 

Pillar 6: Cultivate a Culture of Connection

Remember when I said if I was a parent Pillar 1 (Strengthen Social Infrastructure in Local Communities) would be my favorite child?

Well, Pillar 6 here would be my second favorite. Saying these two are my favorites has no relevance on if they’re the most important or impactful, but they are the ones that speak most to my soul and personal values. 

Here’s the thing. The elements within each of these pillars – research and policy-making and healthcare and community programs – are managed by people. And regardless of industry or job title or degree of power, people are still just people. We are united by our shared desires: to be seen, known, and loved; to have our basic needs met; to belong, have purpose, and live well. 

Nothing will move forward even an iota if human spirit and intention aren’t behind it. What we need to repair our loneliness and disconnection cannot be found in a new app or shiny technological innovation or even in the perfect policy plan. What we need is a change of culture – a rediscovery of the unencumbered human spirit, which longs for authentic connection.

“Such a culture rests on core values of kindness, respect, service, and commitment to one another.”

This requires every individual to interrogate their beliefs and challenge themselves to be a better member of the human community. That level of personal change is contagious. It encourages others to do the same and bleeds into our work and relationships and groups to which we belong. 

The main takeaway: Take on the responsibility of cultivating a culture of connection in your life. Start with analyzing your beliefs and actions, and ask yourself how you can better embody kindness, respect, service, and commitment to others in your community.

It’s our lucky day: We’ve caught a curable disease

The joyous part of this “epidemic” is that is curable. Of all the problems we are facing today, this one really isn’t that complicated to solve. There are clear solutions. The hard part is that it requires mass participation.

But like we said last week, “be the first domino.” 

You do not exist within a silo. Your attitudes and actions impact everyone around you. If you make choices rooted in kindness and a desire to cultivate connection, you are planting mustard seeds for yourself, and those around you, to build a robust and resilient community.

Wanting more ideas on how to advance social connection in your life and community? Check out the image below from the advisory.

Social infrastructure provides opportunities to foster social connections. Creating larger and more diverse social networks creates a greater variety of social support and increases access to social capital. Levels of social support, cohesion, capital, and interaction increase sentiments of trust and empathy. And high levels of all of these elements are linked to a host of benefits for the community. The healthier the community and its relationships, the more likely folks are to pour back into it and continue developing strong social infrastructure. 

Rinse and repeat. And you get a community that is on an instinctive loop, feeding itself healthy social inputs and reaping constructive outputs of individual and community health.

Note: all information and research mentioned in this post can be found in the Surgeon General’s advisory on the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in America

Understanding social connection terminology

As a refresher, let’s define some of those terms:

Social infrastructure: the programs, policies and physical elements of a community that facilitate bringing people together; we’re talking stuff like sports groups and volunteer organizations, public transportation and housing, and libraries and green spaces.

A social network is just the web of people you know and how you are connected.

Social support is the emotional, informational or tangible resources available to you via your social network.

Social cohesion is the sense of solidarity felt within groups. It’s marked by strong connections and high levels of participation, which generates trust, norms of reciprocity, and a sense of belonging. 

Social capital is the big kahuna. This is the umbrella term for any and all resources people have access to through their social networks – social support and cohesion fall under this umbrella. Social capital is HEAVILY influenced by social infrastructure. 

Finally, trust is an attitude of benevolence that informs how you interact with strangers, folks and groups you know, and organizations and government. And empathy is noted as one of THE best sources of altruism, which is the practice of selfless concern for the well-being of others. 

How communities benefit from social connection

Now. Let’s get to the meat. How does social connection benefit place-based (aka geographic) communities?

1. Higher levels of diversity, trust, and empathy

   • Leads to more creative problem solving and better decision making

   • Generates more social capital for the broader community (aka more resources)

2. Better health outcomes

   • One-unit increase in social capital increases likelihood of survival by 17% and self-reporting good health by 29%

   • Folks with a strong perception of community belonging reported very good or excellent health at a rate 2.6 times higher than those with very low perceptions of belongingness

   • More connected communities with higher levels of social capital are more likely to engage in health-protective behaviors and are better able to work together to improve health-related behaviors or collectively reform their community culture

3. Greater resilience to natural hazards

   • Neighborhoods where people know one another and are connected to community institutions prepare for, respond to, and recover more quickly from natural hazards

   • Greater level of knowledge-sharing and coordinated emergency response efforts

4. Lower levels of community violence

   • The Project on Human Development in Chicago Neighborhoods longitudinal study that began in the late 1990s found that neighborhoods with higher perceptions of social cohesion and where residents felt a “willingness to act” on behalf of community members (collective efficacy) were more likely to have reduced levels of crime and residents were more likely to feel safer.

5. Connected community = higher levels of economic prosperity

   • During the 2008 recession, communities with higher social capital levels experienced greater resilience against unemployment

   • SOCIOECONOMIC MOBILITY: More likely to recommend job and educational opportunities to one another, collaborate on ideas for innovation, build partnerships for local businesses, and directly advance economic progress in their communities

   • There are socioeconomic and mobility consequences to community disconnection. Long-standing systemic disinvestment, inequitable zoning laws, underdeveloped transportation systems, and residential segregation can perpetuate chronic poverty and isolate entire neighborhoods or towns from more prosperous local economies.

6. Increased levels of civic engagement and more representative government

   • What is civic engagement? Registering to vote, voting, participating in advocacy groups or clubs, connecting to information and current events

   • Civic engagement helps develop empathy, problem solving and cooperation among community members

   • One study showed that higher levels of family and community connection during adolescence predicted civic engagement outcomes in young adulthood, including a greater likelihood of voting and involvement in social action and conversation groups.

   • This leads to policies and programs that better reflect the will and desire of a community’s residents

What you can do for your community

This is not a simple issue. There are a lot of influencing factors, and there is no one solution to cure our disconnection epidemic.

However, I am a firm believer that big solutions start with the small actions. So here’s a few ideas on ways you can feed into that positive reinforcement cycle:

1. Research has proven that small social interactions, such as smiling at a passerby or chatting briefly with someone at the grocery store, help foster a sense of interpersonal trust and create and maintain positive norms of reciprocity. 

2. We also know that diversifying our social networks has a strong impact on developing social capital. This means diversity of power status, age, politics, race, gender, and sexual identity. Challenge yourself to make one intergenerational friendship.

3. Find one way to get involved in a community-based activity.

Join a recreational league or volunteer group. Look for an advocacy program for civic engagement or human rights campaigning. People who immerse themselves in community-based activities are more likely to feel a strong sense of belonging and have trusting relationships with fellow community members. When this participation becomes the norm, a domino effect ensues: social networks and levels of trust grow, leading to greater exchange of information and sharing of resources.

4. Put yourself out on a limb and strike up a conversation with a person in public – shopping in the aisle next to you at Marshall’s or lifting near you at the gym.

I promise you, IT IS NOT WEIRD TO TALK TO PEOPLE IN PUBLIC. We have, culturally, developed such an aversion to talking with people in shared spaces. I cannot emphasize enough how much of a normal human behavior this is. And if you talk to someone, and they have a weird response, that is NOT A YOU ISSUE. Feel pride that you stepped out of your own world and feel hope that you planted a seed in their mind, challenging their worldview that people are not to be trusted and it’s weird to interact with people in shared spaces. Mustard seeds people, mustard seeds!

5. Be willing to help someone along their way.

Do you have years of career experience or connections in a particular field? Take the time to offer a conversation of career mentorship or put them in touch with others you know. Do you have a skill for fixing cars or repairing a bookshelf? Do it for your neighbor – for free! Are you a passionate gardener who could teach your neighbor how to start their own garden? Knowledge is power. Share it.

All of these community interactions feed into that positive reinforcement cycle we discussed earlier.

The strength of our communities starts with the strength of our social networks and collective levels of trust. Be the first domino in building norms of reciprocity around kindness, advocacy, and civil communication. This is the first step in creating strong networks, building social capital, and eventually influencing the development of social infrastructure designed with human connection in mind. 

And she said to me:

“Kelsi, you couldn’t pay me enough money to be in my twenties again.”

It is a time infamous for its tumult, much like the middle school years, actually. Our 20s are a path to independence and self-discovery often wrought with uncertainty and doubt and fear.

As kiddos, we haven’t experienced enough life (strictly chronologically speaking) to understand the breadth and depth of how beautiful and painful and all-consuming life can be. 

For most people, it will be many years before they experience tragedy. Before we know great heartbreak. Before we’ve held hands with death or been cheated on or felt the betrayal of a friend. Before we experience the complexity of relationships or the confusion of unrequited-maybe-requited-but-probably-not love. Before we’ve stared grave illness in the face. Before we know the burden of fighting battles within our own minds.

And when we are struck with catastrophe or faced with our demons, it can be all-consuming. 

If by your twenties, you just so happen to so far have escaped this wrath of life, it’s likely the odds will become increasingly less in your favor. Life’s wrath will inevitably introduce itself to you. Not because the world is working against you, but because the longer you live, the more of the spectrum of the human experience you, well, experience.

The Trenches of our Twenties

Personally, I’ve been there. In the trenches. Several times over. 

It feels like walking through a tunnel you fear has no end. It’s quickly filling with water and your throat tightens as you run out of oxygen and your mind is covered in a fog that keeps you from mustering the innovation or motivation to find a way forward.

And when you’re in that tunnel, it can feel nearly impossible to navigate the rest of life. 

You still have to get up and go to work or school. You have 15 texts you’ve seen but haven’t gotten the gusto to answer. From friends and your mom and your work group chat. You just got notice that your rent is being raised, and you have a mysterious rash that won’t seem to go away. You feel shame for buying a $7 cup of coffee, but it is the only thing that gets you out of the house and somehow the joy and productivity of your day are entirely dependent on the lifeline of that coffee. 

And you are begging: how do I keep on living when it feels like the world is spinning around me and I can’t stop scrolling on TikTok no matter how much I want to make a nice meal and read a book before bed and get a good night’s sleep? How do I keep living when I’m drowning in grief, or all my mental space is taken up trying to figure out a confusing friendship, or my heart is filled with grief and joy and hope about a newfound part of myself that the world might reject? How do I make any decisions and continue to move myself through life when this one thing consumes me?

Unfortunately for you, I am not a psychiatrist or neuroscientist, nor a god. I’m not here with a prescriptive answer to this question.

However, I am here to remind you that you are not alone. The things that we think are so weird about ourselves… I can guarantee that you are not the only one living it. There is actually nothing original about any person’s human experience: there are no new stories under the sun. As my best friend often tells me, “You’re not special.” 

This isn’t meant to be an insult. It’s meant to ground you with the knowledge that whatever you are facing is not an unknown monster that has never been seen before. You are not the first person to wade through the trenches, and you certainly won’t be the last. 

Gentle Reminders for Times of Overwhelm

In these times of emotional overwhelm, there are a few things I like to remind myself (and that I encourage you to remind yourself, as well):

1. This too shall pass.

You don’t need to hyper-fixate on finding a way to fix these feelings. Let go of the fear that you’re lost, lazy, falling behind and a failure. You are not these things. You are, actually, just human. Let yourself be messy and trust life will once again be and feel different. It always does.

2. Nothing positive has ever been accomplished by beating yourself into submission.

Make space for whatever you are judging so aggressively and don’t try to hate away these parts of yourself. The quickest, most successful, and life-giving path to healing is one of showering yourself with curiosity, patience, and gentleness. 

3. If there is something that needs your attention, it will make itself known to you.

In times of emotional overwhelm, it can be difficult to pinpoint what it is you’re feeling or to identify a particular cause. It’s okay to not know exactly what is going on or why you’re feeling the way you are. Again, don’t hyper-fixate on needing to “fix yourself.” 

4. This life is your own.

Remember: you have the power of choice. At any and all times. You get to decide what you do with your days, what you want for your life, and how you feel about those decisions. Let go of how you think those decisions would be perceived by others.

5. Never underestimate the power of small action and encouraging self-talk.

Change your clothes. Move from the couch to your bed. Text a friend that you’re thinking of them. Honor yourself for your humanness and leave the judgment to the internet trolls. 

If this is how you feel right now, the very first thing to do is take a deep breath. 

In through your nose. Hold it for four seconds. And sigh it out through your mouth. 

You don’t have to take any action or change anything right now. You are breathing, and with just that you are doing all it takes to be alive. Challenge yourself this week to honor wherever you are in life right now – whatever the circumstances or feelings or doubts or discoveries. Know that this time in our lives is universally known to be full of trial and tribulation, yet everyone who has come before us has made it through.

Resources

This week’s resources are focused on ways to shower yourself with love and care!

1. Did you know bird song is proven to reduce stress and paranoia in humans? Listen to some bird sounds. Try this playlist on Spotify.

2. Learn how you have “sub-minds” that make up the whole of who you are. These “sub-minds”, or parts, are led by your Self, and according to this psychological theory, “and the key to health and happiness is to honor, understand, and love every part.” This means there are no bad parts! Develop self-compassion and learn how to give yourself – each of your parts – what they need. Learn more here.

3. Did you know that a 12 second breathing exercise can immediately shift your body from an elevated, stressful state to your parasympathetic state? Check this article for various breathing techniques to enter your nervous system into its “rest and digest” state. My favorite is the 4-7-8 method.

The greatest predictor of longevity

Having positive social connections is the singular greatest predictor of longevity and may outweigh predictive risk factors, such as exercise and smoking. 

Lacking social connection is as dangerous as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

As a refresher, let’s define social connection.

Social connection: a continuum of the size and diversity of one’s social network and roles, the functions these relationships serve, and their positive or negative qualities

Social connectedness is a measure of how well those social connection needs are being achieved. And social capital is the things resulting from those connections. Things like physical and mental health, life skills, access to resources, and perception of well-being. 

Social connections are not limited to the deepest connections with your one life-long friend or your mom. In fact, there is just as much value to the connection that comes from your simple presence around other people and the mundane and happenstance interactions of every day life (such as banter with your barista).

How social connection impacts your health

There is SO much fascinating research behind each of these pathways. If you’re interested in the nitty gritty, you can read more here. If not, here’s the short of it:

Biology

Our body is comprised of a bunch of different systems that work independently and in tandem to keep us living, breathing, and functioning. These systems – such as the gut-microbiome and nervous system – must be well-regulated in order to be healthy.

The primary area of interest here is the association between inflammation and social behavior.

Inflammation happens when a foreign substance enters your body and your immune system activates. In addition to autoimmune disorders, exposure to toxins, and repeated or untreated acute inflammation, a variety of lifestyle factors can cause inflammation in the body. At the root, these lifestyle factors are putting acute and chronic stress on all those systems in your body, preventing them from operating properly and overly taxing your immune system.

Evidence shows that being objectively isolated, or even the perception of isolation, can increase inflammation to the same degree as physical inactivity. And lower social support is associated with higher inflammation.

Chronic inflammation has been linked to a host of chronic illnesses, such as cancer and Alzheimer’s, and other cognitive, mental, and physical issues.

Chronic loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of developing dementia by approximately 50% in older adults

While social isolation and lack of social support are associated with increased inflammation, the presence of social connection has a positive, protective effect on our biological systems.

For example, increased levels of social connection can improve various biomarkers of cardiovascular functioning, such as blood pressure. Having a support network and bonding social ties are associated with better regulation of your nervous system.

Psychology and Behaviors

There is a researcher who has become quite popular for his work on longevity. His focus has been on areas of the world he coins as “Blue Zones,” where people have the longest lifespan at a high quality of life.

He has identified the “Power 9.” These are nine lifestyle habits of the world’s healthiest, longest-lived people. Four out of nine of those have something to do with social behavior: right tribe, purpose, belonging, and loved ones first.

Purpose is often thought of as a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Adults across the globe rate their social relationships, particularly with family and close friends, as the most important source of meaning, purpose, and motivation in their lives.

Positive social relationships help encourage healthy behaviors. Spending time with loved ones, caring for the people around you, and being cared for helps reduce stress. Stress causes inflammation. Reducing stress helps reduce inflammation, thus bettering your health outcomes.

Social influence can be direct—loved ones encouraging one to get more sleep or reminding one to take their medication—or subtle, through social norms that communicate approval or disapproval of certain behaviors (like vaccination, smoking, exercise, etc.).

Who you surround yourself with matters. And prioritizing people-time matters.

Using relationships to be healthier and live longer

So. This is a big concept. Lots of science-y information with statistics and pathways and correlations and associations. But at the end of the day it boils down to this: positive relationships with others are SO good for you and are the thing that makes life worth living.

Resources

As always, we’re ending the post with a few resources for further education.

1. How long you live is determined 20% by genes and 80% by lifestyle and environment. Read about the Life Radius Approach, a strategy for constructing a built environment best-suited for longevity and well-being.

2. Hear the story of a man who endured complete social isolation for years on end as a political prisoner in Venezuela: Four Years in Solitary Confinement, A Bit of Optimism (podcast)

And in a moment of “fuck-it-we-ball” mentality, she slips him a note with her number on it that says she was checking him out. A smile spreads across his face as he reads the message.

They have since gone on to date.

Now, THAT is a meet-cute. I watched this story unfold in a TikTok I came across recently. It was adorable, but in my opinion, meet-cutes aren’t limited to romantic interactions. They’re the beautiful human experience that unfolds when we exist places where happenstance has an opportunity to happen. 

These are the moments we all crave – to be seen and feel alive. Yet they are so incredibly few and far between. And I don’t think we need any complex scientific research or sociological analysis to theorize why this is.

We spend more time alone than ever before. In fact, on average, we spend 24 MORE HOURS in social isolation than we did in 2003 (1).

More often than not, we spend that alone time immersed in the semi-social world of the internet and social media, which enhances feelings of insecurity, isolation, and disconnection.

While it has plenty of benefits, technology is kryptonite to robust human interaction. Here are a few examples:

It displaces in-person engagement, monopolizes our attention, reduces the quality of our interactions, and even diminishes our self-esteem. (1)

Frequent phone use during face-to-face interactions between parents and children, and between family and friends, increased distraction, reduced conversation quality, and lowered self-reported enjoyment of time spent together in-person. (1)

In a U.S.-based study, participants who reported using social media for more than two hours a day had about double the odds of reporting increased perceptions of social isolation compared to those who used social media for less than 30 minutes per day. (1)

A recent study measuring brain activity during Zoom conversations concluded that online conversations are an “impoverished social communication system relative to in-person conditions.” Our brains’ social systems come alive during live encounters, in a way they do not during online interactions. In-person conversations are associated with increased electrical activity in the brain, gaze time, and pupil dilation, which all signal brain arousal. They even found greater neural activity COORDINATED between the brains of the people talking in person, versus online, which suggests a mutual giving and receiving of social cues. How cool that our brains are literally melding together when we interact! This neural signaling was found to be SUPPRESSED during Zoom conversations. (2)

The times we are in public, we’re dependent on the devices that are spoon-feeding us those negative feelings to curb any moment of silence, stillness, waiting, or perceived awkwardness. We fill every thought and every moment with stimulation – for whatever variety of reasons – and we miss out on the beauty of walking through life with our heads up.

Even if we are not on devices in public, most of us live in spaces that are not catered for human behavior (hello car-centric city design). This “meet-cute” on the train in New York City (that we watched unfold online, ironically enough) was only possible because their mode of transportation required them to be in the space of others. 

In most places in the United States, people wake up alone, drive to work in a car alone, sit at a desk alone, commute home alone, maybe do something after work (wherein, most often, people exist in their own bubble, petrified of, or worse – apathetic to – the idea of speaking to someone else), eat alone, sleep alone, and do it all over again. There are minimal opportunities wired into our day for happenstance. 

So, our challenge is to do what we can to create our own happenstance! We might not be able to immediately tackle the beast that is shitty urban planning, but we can create little wins in each of our own lives.

This is something I have spent a great amount of time practicing, mostly because I truly enjoy it. I LOVE happenstance meetings. I call them “serendipitous interactions.” They tickle my soul, and make me feel more human and alive than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Here are some ways I’ve found beneficial to creating more opportunities for these little human meetings that make us feel so alive:

1. Go alone

I know going places by yourself can be incredibly daunting. Usually, this is because you’re afraid of what people will think about you. I want to encourage you to act, even if you’re afraid. The following quote is a mantra I’ve repeated to myself for many years. I’ve found it helpful in reminding myself that pursuing the life I desire is more important than whatever it is I’m afraid of in that moment.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgement there is something more important than fear.”

Also, just to reassure you, in ALL the times I’ve done things alone (which have been plentiful since the moment I turned 16 and got my driver’s license), I have never ONCE had someone make a hurtful or strange comment. In fact, many of my fondest memories of joyful, spontaneous human interactions happened while I was alone – getting a drink at a bar, shopping at Marshall’s, browsing a boutique in Arizona, or taking myself out to dinner.

2. Go where you WANT to be, not where you think you can or should find people.

We all have preconceived notions about the ways we SHOULD be spending our time. We should go to the gym. We should be a regular attendee at church. We should enjoy going out to bars on the weekends. But maybe that’s not your thing. Maybe you want to regularly take a dance class or guitar lessons. Maybe you enjoy being part of a small group at a church but not attending Sunday services. Or maybe you want to go to bed at 9 p.m. on a Friday and take an 8 a.m. workout class Saturday morning.

My advice? Get clear on your desires, activities you enjoy, and things you are interested in pursuing. Go there. The energy you bring to spaces you WANT to be in is the first step in creating an environment primed for genuine connection.

3. Try something new!

You know that thing that’s been in the back of your mind? Maybe you want to get into skateboarding, or learn how to play chess. Maybe it’s one of those wine and painting classes that you could never find a friend to go with, and you thought it would be weird to go alone. Take after Nike, and just fucking do it.

Worried about money? Get creative and do a little digging. Many times, there are ways to explore these activities for free or at a low cost. But if not, investing in yourself financially is a beautiful and productive use of your dollars. Money is there to make your life better!

Don’t believe me? Here are a few things I’ve tried: I wanted to check out boxing, and I found a local Title Boxing gym that offered a free trial class. Check apps like Class Pass, or look for community classes or free trials from local studios, rec centers, or organizations. It never hurts to ask!

For those of you that are single, don’t understand estimate the power of dating apps. If there is something you want to do, make it part of your dating profile. It’s a great way to get folks reeled in and gives you an opportunity to explore that new thing with another person, or to get connected with a free resource. We all know this… this is how girls get on boats in the summer. Take one from their playbook.

4. Be present in the space you’re in.

This is the MOST important of all these tips. It doesn’t matter what you do or where you go if you don’t show up with the right spirit. Here are my top tips for entering spaces with an aura open to happenstance:

Acknowledge the presence of the people in your shared space. If you pay attention, you will see that most of us move through life on default mode, and we forget that we are moving alongside living, breathing humans with complex lives and emotions. Next time you’re at the grocery store or standing in line for an event, I encourage you pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and look around. Look at the people in the same space as you. Instead of pretending like they don’t exist, take a minute to consider what they might be thinking or why they are there. Force yourself to humanize them, and break out of the habit of being detached from your physical reality and the people present in it.

Carry yourself with an openness and availability. Maintain open body language, make eye contact, and smile at people. Stay off your phone when you’re in a holding space, such as waiting for an appointment or in the checkout line. Try to go without headphones in public, especially in the places where you find it most difficult to be without them. What if you didn’t wear them on your commute, if you commute publicly? What if you didn’t have them in while shopping or went to the gym a few times without them?

Lead with curiosity. Curiosity is openness without judgement. Get curious about what people do, why they do it, who they are, what kind of life they’ve led, what they believe, who they love, what they value… the list goes on. When you get curious, making conversation becomes so much easier. People can sense this spirit of willingness to interact and to listen.

I want to leave you with two challenges. You can pick whichever resonates with you, or challenge yourself to do both!

Challenge 1: Stay off your phone when in transitional spaces. For example, next time you’re in line at the grocery store, in the waiting room for your dentist appointment, or sitting at a table prior to a work meeting, keep your phone face down or in your pocket, even if everyone else in the room is on their phone. Take a deep breath, and sit through the discomfort. Use this time to observe. Look around the room, notice what other people are doing, see what sticks out to you in the space. Take note of what you’re feeling, acknowledge it, and let it pass. And, when the waiting is over, applaud yourself for doing something hard and antithetical to modern cultural norms and habits!

Challenge 2: Say something random to a stranger. You could compliment someone, ask a question, or make a comment about your shared experience. Maybe someone is sniffing candles alongside you at Marshalls. You could say, “I love these candles. I always get (insert favorite scent here), but I want to try something new. Do you have a favorite?” Get used to people having a slight shocked-and-awed reaction at first. As we’ve established, human interaction has become foreign to us. But more often than not, people are more than happy, and often tickled, to chat with someone who has a friendly, kind, open, genuine, and curious energy.

I think you’ll find these experiments uncomfortable, perhaps anxiety-inducing, at first. However, I’m confident you will walk away with a sense of pride and accomplishment and with that little fire of the joy that comes from social interaction. And I know for certain that it gets easier, and more joyful, with time and practice.

If you’re up to the task and give one of these challenges a shot, I would love for you to come back to this post and share with us what your experience was like and what you learned. Pushing through fear is a great way to build confidence and cultivate a life you love. The things you most desire are often right on the other side of the things you fear the most. Good luck – I’m rooting for you!

In case you missed it, we’re doing a series on the Surgeon General’s advisory about the loneliness epidemic in America. The advisory reviews an extensive group of scientific literature that provides evidence for how we are incredibly disconnected and lonely, the consequences of that, and several solutions. 

This series is designed to be a digestible version of that 80+ page document to help us understand this epidemic, how we got here, and how we can respond. 

In the first post of the series, we covered the terminology used in the advisory. This allowed us to establish a shared understanding of the language we’re using to talk about this topic. Check out the first post to get a lo-down on the lingo.

Today, we’re exploring the following question: how did we get here?

We’ve forgotten one another’s humanity

You know those moments in your life when something shifted within you and after that, you never looked at life quite the same?

I had the first of those moments in my life when I was 15. 

My dad passed away one month to the day after my 15th birthday. He was sick for several months, and during that time my family spent hours on the road driving to and from the hospital. 

I have a vivid recollection of riding in the passenger seat of my mom’s Hyundai. It was an overcast, gray day. If you’re from Ohio, you know. They’re the ones that plague us more days than not. Where the sky feels like it’s miles lower, so close you could almost reach up and touch it. Where you feel like your vision is blurry and your depth perception is skewed. 

And as we drove down the highway on that dull day, I remember being struck with an intense feeling of connection, awe, and sadness as I realized that every car I was passing had a person in it. 

A person with a life, joys, challenges, triumphs, grief, and a story. They likely had loved and lost it, or perhaps never loved at all. 

It wasn’t until nearly seven years later that I was able to put a word to this experience: sonder.

Someone I was going out with at the time introduced me to the concept of sonder. And while we are no longer together, I carry with me the impact of this word. 

Sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

This beautiful, painful, existential realization shifted my worldview. I went from viewing people as players revolving around the game center (me) to seeing a complex and unknown story in every person I witnessed; understanding we live parallel, yet always interconnected, lives. 

I think our world lacks sonder. People and relationships are objectified and commodified. We forget that everyone we see – online and in person – is a complex being with their own beautiful and brutal story (thanks to Glennon Doyle for the beautiful and brutal line). 

And I often wonder: how did we get here? 

How did we get to a place where people are physically isolated from one another and are experiencing intense feelings of loneliness and disconnection? An existence where we fear speaking to a stranger, where we hold more animosity than compassion for our neighbors, and feel creepy smiling at a passerby on the street?

Why don’t we value and prioritize human connection – big or small – when it’s quite literally the greatest predictor of longevity?

What is the “here” we’re suffering in?

Before we talk about how we got here, I think we should take a second to understand what “here” is. 

You can’t argue with facts (I mean you can, but it would be a bit foolish). And the facts are very clear: our social connectedness is deteriorating, and it has been doing so steadily for years. Here are a few quick examples:

• Only 16% of Americans report feeling connected to their local community. And that was in 2018. Before COVID.

• People spend an average of six hours per day on digital media. Yet those who use social media for more than two hours a day had double the odds of reporting increased perceptions of social isolation compared to people who used it for less than 30 minutes.

• Time spent alone has increased, and time spent on in-person social engagement has decreased, from 2003 to 2020 (see image below)

• Participation in faith-affiliated organizations declined by 23% from 1999 to 2020, from 70% to 47%.

Disclaimer: This is a complicated statistic because it cannot be explained away by a singular cause. In my opinion, it is representative of people choosing to walk away from an institution and its associated people who are actively causing harm. I don’t believe this statistic is proving societal moral decay, nor does it demonstrate a disregard for the importance of spiritual practice or faith belief. Instead, I think it tells the story of beautiful acts of love. To trade tradition, familiarity, and certainty for the unknown, discomfort, and constant mystery is an act of bravery.

I acknowledge the harm religious institutions have done, and continue to do, to many folks. The hurt and trauma people have experienced, and the moral contradictions they have with the church, are founded and valid. I understand and support anyone’s choice to step away from something they disagree with and that is not serving them or the people they love. 

That said, I believe this remains an important statistic to acknowledge because, despite its flawed ways, churches have been known for centuries as a hub for connection and service to the community. One thing many churches excel at is facilitating intentional connection, providing people with a sense of purpose and belonging, and helping people serve their communities. This sharp decline in faith-affiliated participation shows there is an increasing need for healthy, loving, and affirming spaces where people feel belonging, find support, and serve one another and their community.

These statistics tell us something about how and to what degree we are engaging socially. But it’s not just measures of social engagement that are suffering. The Surgeon General’s Advisory quotes a study that suggests we’re also experiencing a “fraying of the social fabric.” 

Trust in each other and major institutions is at near historic lows. Polls conducted in 1972 showed that roughly 45% of Americans felt they could reliably trust other Americans; however, that proportion shrank to roughly 30% in 2016. This corresponds with levels of polarization being at near historic highs.

Pause. What is “social fabric?” 

Social fabric is “a metaphor for how well community members interact with one another… If all members are viewed as threads, the ‘social fabric’ is created by having those members interact, thereby weaving the threads together.”

This metaphor is meant to demonstrate how our interactions and relationships with one another “can contribute to the formation of a culturally rich and socially cohesive community.”

To sum up the doom-and-gloom: “here” is our state of existence in which people are spending increasingly less time together and feelings of disconnection and animosity are building. 

How did we get here?

The advisory cites a particular sociological model to theorize about what contributes to our degree of social connectedness. 

It’s called the social-ecological model, and it suggests four interrelated factors determine our level of connectedness: individual, relationships, community, and society. 

This model makes a LOT of great points. Each of the elements in these four categories works independently, and in relationship with one another, to influence your opportunity, ability, frequency, and quality of connection.

I blame capitalism

I’ve seen this term floating all over the internet but hadn’t spent much time exploring it in depth. So, in writing this post, I decided to dig a little deeper. And I found that what is housed under the umbrella of late-stage capitalism actually may explain what is influencing those four factors (individual, relationship, community, and society) in such a way that impedes our connectedness. 

• intensified wealth inequality

• exploitation of labor

• commodification of all aspects of life

• environmental destruction

• excessive corporate influence over politics

I think you could live under a rock and STILL be able to come up with at least one example of each of those things that are happening right now.

(Not so) Fun Facts

There are a lot of studies that look at the reasons for our disconnection from different angles, but there doesn’t seem to be a singular consensus on why we spend less time together than we used to. While late capitalism certainly could provide some explanation, this epidemic is a complicated issue contributed to by a LOT of factors. I want to share with you a few interesting things I came across in my research and several additional ideas I have about influencing factors. 

• When a society is experiencing a treacherous economy and a cost of living that outpaces wages, there can be pervasive affects on micro and macro scales. It influences individual mental and physical health and the ability to connect with others, the responses of institutions and governments may impact public spaces, social programs, and policies, and it can alter social norms, change civic engagement, and further exacerbate social inequities. 

• Due to an ever-increasing cost of living, people have to work more and lack leisure time to allocate to social connection. This creates mental and emotional strain that may influence the ability and desire for connection. If we’re using the measure of 2003 to 2020 (most studies cited in the advisory cover this time frame) as our guidepost, it’s important to take a look at the economic conditions during this time.

  • Labor conditions should be studied as a structural constraint to social connectedness. In fact, workers cite difficulties with meaningful relationships in recent labor strikes that have centered around long work hours and mandatory overtime. And, the surgeon general states that excessive work hours contributes to isolation, but could be remedied by employers willing to protect workers’ time outside of work. (Source)

  • Quick Money Facts

    • The inflation rate in 2003 was 2.28%. The inflation rate in 2022 was 8.00%. The 2022 inflation rate is higher compared to the average inflation rate of 2.38% per year between 2022 and 2024.

    • Gen Z dollars today have 86% less purchasing power than those from when baby boomers were in their twenties. The cost of public and private school tuition has increased by 310% and 245%, respectively, since the 1970s. Gen Zers and millennials are paying 57% more per gallon of gas than baby boomers did in their 20s.

    • $7.40 in 2003 is equivalent in purchasing power to about $11.77 in 2022, an increase of $4.37 over 19 years.

  • Don’t forget the 2008 financial crisis and the SURGE of cost of living we experienced during and after COVID.

  • Impacts of economic strain: people spend more time working (multiple jobs, longer hours, side hustles); with the minimal leisure time they do have, folks don’t have money to spare; increased levels of stress and decreased levels of well-being; no money to have children or build a family; change in values and shift of focus to different priorities because of affordability

• We spend more time alone than ever before. You may have heard a friend or someone online crack a joke about not having left their house or spoken to anyone in several days. In a world that prioritizes the individual and the bottom line, many of us live alone, commute alone, eat alone, and work alone. Things such as car-centric cities and hustle culture intensify this issue.

• Increased use of media and time spent online has eroded our spirits and relationships

  • Addictive quality of social media and tech use – even when around others, we opt to be on our phones. 

  • Online shopping and delivery services – we never have to leave our homes if we don’t want to

  • Everything and anything we want can be found online… but it doesn’t hit the same, so we keep going back for more because we don’t know where else to turn and struggle to sit in boredom and discomfort

  • Increase of remote work  

• Women spent more time with family but less time with friends and in companionship than men. This could speak to gender roles and the expectation that one person, usually the woman, stays at home and maintains the household and that it’s this person’s responsibility to care for the family.

• The intersection of city design and racial inequity: Black Americans experienced both high social isolation and low social engagement. One structural explanation worth future investigation is architectural exclusion. Black Americans sometimes live in ‘walled-off’ neighborhoods; are often excluded from access to features of the built environment that promote socialization such as parks, public pools, and sidewalks; and, design elements such as bridges and one-way streets are used to limit movement to and from black communities 

• The lowest income group had more social engagement with ‘others’ than higher income groups and was the only group to show a statistically significant, positive linear trend in social engagement with ‘others’. This ‘others’ category includes acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, and roommates, and could be an indicator of the degree to which individuals are either pressed to tap into or have the leisure to engage socially with a wide array of social connections.

  • It puzzles me that on one hand, lower income groups have to work more hours or more inconvenient hours, and that is associated with less social connection, yet simultaneously, lower income groups are the only groups that had an increase in time spent with others…. I suppose since the “others” category is not considered family and friends, that could explain this seeming contradiction.

• Perhaps cultural changes in the understanding of gender roles, marriage, “traditional” life trajectory is altering the time and style in which people construct their social lives

  • For example, maybe the steady decline of household family social engagement over time could be due to changes in marriage formation, such as getting married at a later age, not having as many children, increasing numbers of single parent households, etc. 

Political decay, increased levels of social distrust, fear of our neighbors, environmental crises, poor city design, housing crises, economic disarray, the demonization and disconnection from reality… all of these are elements of late capitalism. And each is playing a part in our epidemic of loneliness. 

Primed for failure, inspired for success

Clearly, there are a lot of pieces to this puzzle. There are a great many factors beyond our direct, day-to-day actions that influence our ability to connect. I hope this alleviates some of the pressure and shame you may feel when you are experiencing disconnection, feeling frustrated at repeated attempts and failures to build community, and are receiving messages that it’s all your fault and you aren’t doing enough.

We shouldn’t (and cannot afford to) stay here

You might be having the following thought:

Resources

I want to start including a few educational, inspirational, or supporting resources at the end of each post that expand on the topic we just discussed. I’ve got two things to share this week:

1. Community Starts at Home, a podcast episode about civility, the power of porches, and how to build a more connected community

2. The Power of Positive Social Connections, a brief clip from a podcast interview about how banter with your barista helps you live longer (I won’t lie to you. As a barista, this made me feel VERY important)

We’re taking a pause from the planned programming… While you wait for part two of the series on the loneliness epidemic in America (read the first part here), you get a post about my existential and reflective thoughts. Yay!

Today’s feature cliche: Enjoy the everyday little things

I currently live in a studio apartment in suburban Dayton with water-damaged ceilings and a door frame that doesn’t sit straight and a dope maintenance man named Fred. And even though all of that is so wonderful (sense the sarcasm – except with Fred… he actually is cool), I want to move to a new city when my lease ends this summer.

Let it be known I have enjoyed, and been so immensely blessed by, my time in Dayton. It has been exactly what I needed for so many reasons. But moving to a bigger city has always been a dream of mine, and I feel like now is the time. 

As I thought this week about moving and starting a new life in a new city, I was pulled into that derealizing state of being where everything around me felt detached and unreal. And I found myself asking: What are we alive for? What’s the point of living and doing anything and being anywhere at all?

I imagined myself moving into a new place, living in the city, and having my little life where I bop around, clack away on my computer for some random (probably remote) job, and hang out with people. And it all feels so… regular? Small. Insignificant.

So, I’m there. Now what? You’re saying the point of it all is just to work a little job and hang out with people and complete little tasks and that’s it? That’s all we do our whole lives?

When I look at it from this perspective, all of life seems so silly. And not in a “nothing matters so live boldly” kind of way, but in a “this is silly and small and nothing matters so why even bother because it’s all meaningless and purposeless” kind of way.

And I think this is one, albeit of many, reasons I kept my head buried in religion for so long. Clinging to the idea that I had this great purpose of evangelism and living to enter the Kingdom of God allowed me to have a scapegoat for the discomfort of the simplicity of life. 

Life Lessons from a Cowboy

I was reminded recently of a quote from my mom’s favorite movie (a cowboy movie, of course). So much her favorite that it was basically a core pillar of her parenting philosophy. It’s this:

And as many times as she has echoed this sentiment to me throughout my life, I still need to be reminded of it… often.

See, this detachment from reality and loss of meaning stemmed from an obsession with the following: a belief that there is a particular life setup that is “complete” and that fulfillment exists at this destination. 

For me, this looks like having a robust social life with a strong friend group, living in an enlivened, innovative city, leading a professional life merged with my life’s calling that serves people and brings me purpose and joy, having an active dating life, and being in continual pursuit of new, innovative endeavors. It’s a life where I feel good and look good, and there is presence and success in each of those puzzle pieces of life.

And when I was reminded that perhaps life is just enjoying the everyday little things, a particular analogy came to mind.

Each of these “puzzle pieces” of life (career, friendships, romance, life purpose, pursuits of something greater, etc.) is an ingredient, and they all come together to make the dish of your present life. Throughout various phases, these ingredients might be different things or some ingredients might be missing altogether. 

At any point in your life, the combination of ingredients will result in an entirely unique dish. Sometimes you may have a savory meal jam-packed with nutrients and other times you may have a decadent chocolate cake lacking nutritional value but full of delight and pleasure and excitement.

The derealization happens when I sink into the belief there is only one recipe that will provide everything I need, and that only upon its perfect execution will I finally feel success, contentment, completion, fulfillment, joy, belonging, and every other good thing. 

In being reminded of the everyday little things, I realize there is not a greater purpose that drives life, and there is no singular group of ingredients that means your life is “complete.”

We are the trees and the birds

Instead, I embrace a school of thought I came across on social media several years ago: 

As humans, we are just as much nature as the trees and the birds. And while most people believe we have a sentience they do not, we are made of the same atoms and share the same breath of life. While modern living has us removed from our own nature and participating in a system of dominance over the natural world, our humanity, at its core, ebbs and flows and aligns with the trees and the birds, and we are meant to be alive, just as they are alive. 

I have not always held that belief. My life, since I was a little kid, has been guided by the pursuit of purpose, and I have always enjoyed pondering (and, at times, torturing myself with) existentialism. 

Existentialism is the exploration of questions related to the meaning, purpose, and value of human existence.

After I graduated college, I wrote the following as part of a larger essay grappling with all the changes happening in my life at the time: 

Cue existential crises.

One for religion. One for sexuality. One for the destiny of the planet. One for your familial identity. One for the state of the sociopolitical environment. One for what you care about and how you want to live your life and what you believe and who you love and what you love, and wondering if you’ve ever even loved at all… And one big fucking massive one for the horse pill we’re tranquilized by from birth that finding our passion in a job we love will serve all those things.

I have spent my life seeking a purpose and chasing the next carrot. I have always imagined my fulfillment and belonging would be found within the next evolution of circumstances, or at least be enjoyed increasingly as I find “answers” to these existential questions.

While I still exist in pretty much each of those existential spirals, I have learned to make a home in their uncertainty. I’m beginning to believe that pleasure might be found in pursuit, not acquisition or accomplishment or certainty or comfort. 

I am continually redirected by the understanding that I don’t have to have “The Answer.” Perhaps there is no one Truth, no particular purpose, or singular passion that is meant to direct my life and set me on a path for the remainder of my years.

I’m also beginning to wonder if existential crises are not actually crises at all. 

The uncertainty of life and the curiosity of our nature propels us to explore the world and ourselves. These big questions are the human experience, and the crises only arise when we assign negative meaning and feelings of failure to our questioning. We are afraid of what it means that there might not be “The Answer” and are terrified of what will happen if we discover something new while letting go of what we’ve always known. 

I don’t have clarity on most of the “crises” my six-month-younger self was drowning in. But I am learning there is beauty in the exploration of these mysteries, and that my job is to enjoy the journey.

So, yes, maybe all I do when I move to a new city is work my little job and do little activities with friends. 

But perhaps the sum of those “little” things is actually life. 

Maybe life is enjoying whatever ingredients, whatever little things, are present in your life right now and the unique combination those create for your current life. Maybe life is understanding that recipe will undoubtedly change, but that a new combination of ingredients will make a new, flavorful, meaningful life and that each dish is made infinitely better by the spice of variety. It is the fact that they change and we get to try so many different recipes that brings the adventure and enjoyment and spice of life. 

The little moments make the journey, and the journey is all we have. The journey is life, and we will never live if we don’t see it as such.

Objective measures of social exposure (aka personal contact with other humans) have decreased in all categories since 2003. For example, there was a 41% decline in time spent in person with friends from 2003 to 2019. And that was before COVID-19 and the rise of remote work.

And – a subjective measure – approximately 50% of U.S. adults report experiencing loneliness, with the highest rates among young adults (like me).

Whether or not people report feeling lonely, the objective facts are that social networks are getting smaller, and we’re spending more time apart and less time truly connected.

I mean… you know something is UP when the literal Surgeon General of the United States releases an 80+ page report on what he coins as an “Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” The advisory is a synopsis of research on social connection and loneliness, which acknowledges the physical detriments of mental and emotional ailments and suggests remedies that actually improve physical and social communities.

So, today marks the beginning of a series.

This blog is, in part, about exploring the interconnection and interdependence of self and community (check out my blog intro post). It seems only fitting that we dissect the Surgeon General’s advisory so we can understand more about this social phenomenon and (hopefully) begin finding our way back to one another!

Today we’re starting with the basics. I will list and explain the definitions of several terms used in the advisory. This will allow us to have an understanding of the language around this topic as we continue the series and discuss other related issues on the blog.

Mr. Surgeon General (and no doubt the dedicated team that built this document), were so kind as to include a glossary for their literature review on this topic (see it here on page 7). I’ve selected a few words I think are most crucial to our conversations and understanding of this issue:

• Social connection, social connectedness, and social disconnection

• Social isolation, solitude, and loneliness

• Social network

• Belonging

• Social capital, social support, and social cohesion

• Social infrastructure

Note: all statistics, information, and definitions provided in this blog are from this advisory, unless otherwise cited.

Social Connection

I’ve listed each definition below, and I will break it down after.

Social connection: a continuum of the size and diversity of one’s social network and roles, the functions these relationships serve, and their positive or negative qualities

Social connectedness: the degree to which any individual or population might fall along the continuum of achieving social connection needs

Social disconnection: objective or subjective deficits in social connection, including deficits in relationships and roles, their functions, and/or quality

We’re starting here because social connection is the core of EVERYTHING we are talking about in this series. It is who we are connected to, how we are connected, the quality of those connections, and the benefits (or detriments) they provide.

Imagine social connection as a spectrum. On one end you have social disconnection and on the other end, social connection. The nearer you are to true social connection, meaning your social needs are being met, the higher your degree of social connectedness. The greater your lack of social connection, or perception that those needs are not being met, the lesser your degree of social connectedness.

In short, your degree of social connectedness is a measure of how well you’re achieving your social needs. Social disconnection is just the word for that lack thereof.

These three terms are important because they give us the language to talk about if and how well we are connected to other humans!

Social Network

The individuals and groups a person is connected to and the interconnections among relationships. These “webs of social connections” provide the structure for various social connection functions to potentially operate.

Social connection is the nitty-gritty of your social network. If we think of your social network like a spider web, social connection is each of those individual strings on the web, how well those strings are built, and which part of the web they’re connected to.

This network is how your aunt has a best friend whose son is your neighbor’s personal trainer.

Out of all the terms we will review, this one is likely the most familiar and most aligned with its popular culture definition. Social networks are simply the people we are connected to and the ways in which we’re connected to them.

It’s how you make one friend at a coffee shop, meet 5 of their friends at dinner at your local Olive Garden, and then attend a party where one of those 5 people invited all of their friends, and suddenly you know 20 people in your city. All because you chatted with one person at your coffee shop.

Personally, this is one of my favorite little social phenomena – that it’s a small world. We’re all connected. It is always a good idea to be kind and not to burn bridges. It pays to not be an asshole.

Social Isolation, Loneliness and Solitude

It’s important to understand the difference between social isolation, loneliness and solitude. These measures are used often in research when investigating social connection, but they are NOT the same.

Belonging

A fundamental human need—the feeling of deep connection with social groups, physical places, and individual and collective experiences.

And this is where belonging comes into play! Maslow believes that

Social Capital, Social Support and Social Cohesion

Social capital is often used as an umbrella term for the social support and social cohesion. Let’s list them, and then break it down.

Social Infrastructure

This is the fun part.

TL;DR

This post covers a LOT of terms related to loneliness and human connection. If I had to pick three things for you to take away, here’s what they would be:

1. Social Connection is the central element of the Surgeon General’s advisory and the core of this blog. Social connection is measured along a spectrum, with social connectedness being associated with a variety of health and social benefits and social disconnection with detriments.

2. Your social network and the social infrastructure around you inform your degree of social connection. High social connectedness is important because it generates a sense of belonging, which is broadly accepted as a fundamental human need!

3. Solitude is distinctly different from social isolation and loneliness. Solitude is a chosen state of aloneness. Social isolation is an objective lack of social connection, and loneliness is an internal state of distress about that disconnection. Social isolation and loneliness is where our concerns for the wellness of the individual and collective lie, not with solitude.